...to whom words matter?

 Words. 

Some are short.

Some are long. 

We string them together carelessly,
        creating sentences, stories, and statements that roll off our tongues with slippery ease. 

We rarely look back to see where they go...where they land.

This evening, the water was hot as I washed up the last of the supper dishes. As I turned a favorite cup around and around underneath the steaming liquid, it happened again. The flashback.

I can't tell you exactly why, but almost every time I wash dishes by hand and feel the hot water running over my hands, a comment from my distant past marches its way boldly across the stage of my memories. 

I once again feel stupid, chastised, put in my place, and humiliated. And I shrink a little.

What was the comment and who made it? Does it matter? No.
Because I'm sure no ill will or harm was meant.

But tell that to my brain. My subconscious self.
I am unable to rid myself of this memory.

The words spoken that long ago day were true ones...but the way in which they were spoken, the way they fell upon my ears seared them forever, it seems, on my emotions.

Just like the time I was falsely accused of lying by someone for whom I felt deep respect.
Just like the time I was mocked at someone else's house for my way of loading the dishwasher.
Just like the time I was told my crush thought my nose looked too long when I wore contacts.

And so on and so forth. 

Maybe there were elements of truth in some of the comments. Maybe there weren't. That isn't my point.
Maybe the statements were a big deal. Maybe they weren't. That isn't my point.

My point is this. The words stuck. Like, they REALLY stuck. 

I have not been TRYING to hold onto these things nor do I constantly bring them up.
I long ago wrapped my mind around the circumstances surrounding these events and understood that none of the perpetrators of such verbal pokes and prods in my direction were intending me everlasting harm.
I forgave to the best of my ability. I don't carry grudges toward the individuals involved.

I just can't get away from the words themselves and the emotions tied to them.
They still come up to punch me in the face every once in a while.

Why? I don't know.

Words.

Some are short.

Some are long. 

We string them together carelessly,
        creating sentences, stories, and statements that roll off our tongues with slippery ease. 

We rarely look back to see where they go...where they land.

But maybe we should.
Maybe we SHOULD take a closer look at our words.
Maybe we SHOULD watch where they go, where they land.

Because our spoken words STICK. 

Our kids, spouses, family members, neighbors, and friends...they have feelings, too.
And they can be just as easily impacted by our words as we are by theirs. 

I also remember some good words.
Words of encouragement spoken in my darkest hours.
Words of healing when in the middle of my deepest pain.
Words of praise when I felt completely worthless.
Words of comfort when I ached with grief.

Those words also stick.
They come back around to bless me time and time again.
They impacted my life for good...pointed me toward truth...enveloped me in love...
    reminded me of my value to God...pulled me toward the light...made a difference.

In this time of divisiveness and disunity in our country, our words matter.
After the election is over, the impact of words spoken today will still be felt.
After the virus has disappeared from center stage and been relegated to the history books,
        the impact of opinions spoken today will still be felt.

Relationships matter.
They matter more than opinion or position.
They matter more than preference or politics.

Truth matters. Yes, it does.
But the truth is that...relationships matter. 

And our words deeply affect our relationships. 

I can't afford to forget.
I have to remember! I don't want to wound my children.
I have to remember! I don't want to build walls with extended family members.
I have to remember! I don't want to push away my friends and neighbors.

God says:
"With their words, the godless destroy their friends,
    but knowledge will rescue the righteous."
            ~ Proverbs 11:9 (NLT)

"It is foolish to belittle one’s neighbor;
    a sensible person keeps quiet."
            ~ Proverbs 11:12 (NLT)

"Gentle words are a tree of life;
    a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit."
            ~ Proverbs 15:4 (NLT)

"Kind words are like honey—
    sweet to the soul and healthy for the body."   
            ~ Proverbs 16:24 (NLT)

"Wise words are like deep waters;
    wisdom flows from the wise like a bubbling brook."
            ~ Proverbs 18:4 (NLT)

"But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak,
    they will give account of it in the day of judgment."
            ~ Matthew 12:36 (NKJV)

I want my words to be a gentle balm to hurting souls,
        bubbling waters of encouragement to struggling hearts,
                and the sweet honey of blessing to all I meet.

I cannot do this on my own.
This takes keeping one ear attuned to the Holy Spirit while the other truly listens for what is needed...

___________________________
 

This post is for me as much as (actually, MORE than) anyone else. I'm not pointing fingers.
I'm encouraging all who read this to join with me in making sure our words are pleasing to God.
They need to be if we ever want to hear those blessed words,
    "Well done, thou good and faithful servant...enter thou into the joy of thy Lord!"
 

Praying the Lord helps me watch my words carefully,

*Note: I am not endeavoring to address the extremely serious circumstance of true verbal abuse with this post. I am not qualified in any way to do so.

This is directed toward those every-day, off-hand comments that we so easily make while forgetting that words have much more power in the life of another than we typically realize.

Do you feel safe today?

Do you feel safe today?

Do your kids feel safe? 

Do they feel safe to let down their guard with you as a parent – to share their vulnerability with you? To be honest about their emotions?

I know that many of my parenting decisions and reactions across the years have come from a place of needing to meet some need I have rather than from truly seeing the need my child’s heart is expressing. Yes…sigh…it has happened to me many times – even when I would try my best to convince you that it didn’t.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve been learning a lot about separating my emotional journey from my actions and reactions to circumstances around me. The more I have analyzed myself in this light, the more I feel as though I've never grown up. I've failed this thing miserably. Just how many times HAVE I reacted or parented unwisely because my focus was on the wrong thing? On proving something to someone?  On simply trying to survive rather than seeing that my child is ALSO searching for someone to understand – to aid in their survival?

It’s easy to drown in the grief of mistakes made, of wrong actions taken, of regrets.

But I can NOT stay in that place or I will only succeed in making more of those mistakes, causing more regret, creating more challenges for my children.

So, I’m looking for ways to help me remember to depend more heavily on what GOD says for me when I hit those challenging moments. I am trying to retrain my brain – to take a different look at what is before me – to stand in a different place and react from there rather than the familiar territory that leads only to strife and frustration and disappointment and regret.

One of the lessons I am learning is that when I focus more on who I am in God, I am free to parent or react to situations from that place.

This means calmness of mind and heart vs. agitation.

This means an ability to focus on the need of the hearts and minds of others vs. on my own.

This means an opportunity to extend God’s love and acceptance to that child/person vs. judgment.

Today in my personal devotions, I read some Scriptures and statements that blessed and encouraged me. Maybe they will bless your soul as well!

1.     Psalm 139 – a passage well worth reading. It's a clear reminder that God KNOWS me. I mean, He DESIGNED me – personality, abilities, looks, and likes. He also knows my every thought and emotion, weakness and failure. In spite of that, He loves me. He loves me enough to DIE for me!

Guys!!! None of my weak spots or goof-ups have frightened Him away!!! He STILL pours out blessing after blessing on my life…He STILL provides for my every emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual need.

2.     Matthew 10:30 – you know this one. It’s the one where we learn that Jesus knows how many individual hairs my head sports. And He loves me enough to care about that fact.

3.     Acts 15:8 – It brings comfort to me that God knows my heart. This means that even when my well-intentioned words or actions don’t flow quite right, He understands and doesn’t condemn. When others misunderstand, Jesus “gets me.” All of me.

4.     John 6:37 – Jesus promises never to reject anyone who comes to Him. That includes me. Let that sink in…He doesn’t base His acceptance or rejection of us on our smarts or lack thereof!

5.     Romans 15:7 – Because Christ has accepted me, I can reach out and do the same for others. And their reaction to my efforts doesn’t affect my status with Christ.

6.     Colossians 1:21-22 – Christ went to extreme lengths to bring me to Himself – to provide a way for me to enter into God’s presence blameless and holy. And He did this “while we were yet sinners.” Wow.

7.     Jeremiah 31:3 – God loves me…ME!!!...with an everlasting love! And He draws us to Himself with lovingkindness.
If that isn’t an amazing Christmas gift, I don’t know what is!!

8.     Lamentations 3:22-23 – God is compassionate beyond our comprehension, merciful beyond our understanding, and faithful beyond our expectation.

9.     Ephesians 3:17-19 – What a way to top off the list! Christ wants to dwell in our hearts and show us what it means to be rooted and grounded in the love He has for us. This love that we are unable to fully grasp enables us to not only be filled with the presence of God, but to be filled with ALL the FULLNESS of God!

I reiterate my earlier statement – what an amazing gift this is!
Confidence in this kind of love can withstand any attack the enemy hurls our direction, our children’s direction. If we can feel safe in these truths, then we can be a safe place where others feel free to be honest and real and vulnerable.

This is one gift I plan to re-gift...

time and time and time and time again!

Merry Christmas, friends! 

* The above list of Scriptures and a couple of the main focus thoughts are taken from the Bible study entitled Mom Set Free by Jeannie Cunnion, published by LifeWay Press.

In acknowledgement of a special day...

So, my oldest daughter got married last Friday.

July 12, 2019

That date will forever stand out in her heart and mind as one of the best days of her life.

It was a special day!

It was a Christ-centered day!

It was a joy-filled day!

It was a love-centered day!

It was a memory-making day!

It was a dream-fulfilling day!

It was the day she was privileged to marry her very best friend…

July 16, 1994

I got married that day.

That date will forever stand out in my heart and mind as one of the best days of my life.

It was a special day!

It was a Christ-centered day!

It was a joy-filled day!

It was a love-centered day!

It was a memory-making day!

It was a dream-fulfilling day!

It was the day I was privileged to marry my very best friend…

 Today was supposed to be my 25^th anniversary.

If you are reading this, you most likely know that it’s NOT my 25^th anniversary because 5.5 years ago today, my husband went to spend eternity with Jesus.

So…how does one celebrate an anniversary that was to be, isn’t, but still feels like it should be?

I don’t really know. I’m traveling this pathway as a novice. I’m learning as I go.

I’m sure I don’t do it the way anyone else would,

but our relationship wasn’t anyone else’s, and

I’m not anyone else…I’m me.

And I miss Michael.

As you may notice by the date of my last post, I don’t write much here anymore.

I believe that is mostly because I am in a different stage now and not as much in need of the therapy this space has provided. Over the past year, God has granted me many more good days than emotionally hard ones, and for that, I am extremely grateful. He has walked through this whole dark valley right with me, never for one moment leaving me on my own to cope or find my way. And now, the path is brighter, the traveling easier, the memories sweeter.

But big days like this one feel like they should be acknowledged somehow.

So, I gave myself permission to do so - at least for a little while.

First of all, I would like to say a big thank you to each and every one of you who has taken the time or made an effort to let me know you are thinking about me, praying for me, care about me regarding this day. And thank you for understanding my need to maybe be alone for a portion of the day. I greatly appreciate each connection made, whether through text or phone call or other means.

Many prayed, some texted, some left FB notes, some told me you were thinking about me, and some offered your time. One friend bought me some peach Coca-colas and helped walk me through wedding recovery/dread of today. Every gesture was and is deeply meaningful and appreciated.

Lunch happened today with a dear friend at a restaurant that was special to Michael & me.

Real life happened today with more wedding stuff being hauled home and unloaded.

Memories happened today with the sorting of items from my wedding, looking at old photos, and even taking pictures of some memorabilia…

Painting happened today while sitting out at the cemetery and watching the sunset.

Writing happened today…and resulted in this post.

Tears also happened today.

Not as many as on the date of my 20^th anniversary. That one came just six months after Michael’s passing.

But the tears still come sometimes when I think about it all.

Tears still come easily when thinking about what last Friday’s wedding should have included:

Michael walking our daughter down the aisle,

Michael's face beaming proudly in each photo taken,

Michael's cheerful greeting of each and every guest at every table at the reception,

Michael's enthusiastic bragging about how wonderful his kids all are,

                   his gracious acceptance of Austin into this family,

                       and his precious hugs for me as he calms my anxiety over the details and

 tells me how proud he is of how the whole event turned out.

Gentle tears flowed with this morning’s first light.

Hard, ugly sobs hit as I sat in the cemetery under the watchful eye of the Full Buck Moon.

Those ragged sobs don’t come around very often anymore. I’m grateful. They aren’t pretty.

But it’s all part of this day’s roller coaster.

Thoughts flowed from gratefulness for what we shared to 

            a pity party for what I no longer have, 
                  and then back to sharing my crazy with Jesus.

Thoughts bounced from present tasks to past events, and my emotions got all mixed up.

But one thought has been forefront today.

I don’t know HOW to rightfully acknowledge this day.

Maybe what I’ve done is okay, or maybe it’s just weird.

Maybe it’s no one’s business what I do, or maybe sharing would be helpful to someone else.

Maybe I just need a hug!

For those of you who have cared enough to read this far into this post, here are some bits of trivia for you.

At my wedding, my brother was ten years old.

At my daughter’s wedding, her brother was ten years old.

I wore a silver dress for Luanna’s wedding…

a 25^th wedding anniversary is known as a silver anniversary.

The song my daughter allowed me to sing in the prelude to her wedding was one Michael and I sang to each other at our wedding. Some of the same songs were played for both weddings, even though that part wasn’t particularly planned.

The goblets my daughter and her groom chose to use were the ones my husband and I drank from on our special day.

Both weddings had the same pianist. 

And coordinator. And florist. And seamstress for the bridesmaid dresses!

The flower girls for my wedding were a tremendous help with my daughter’s wedding!

Actually, several people who helped with my wedding also helped with my daughter's.

And some friends who attended my wedding were able to attend my daughter’s.

Family members galore were part of both special days, although some were missing from my daughter’s event because they are enjoying the blessings of heaven…

      just as Michael is.

My family and I felt incredibly blessed and loved both then and now.

Does anyone know what this is?  :-)

Does anyone know what this is?  :-)

Thanks for indulging me on my trip down memory lane. I thought it might be fun to include a few photos from that special day twenty-five long years ago.  So much has changed, and yet...so much has stayed the same.

One thing that solidly remains the same is God's faithfulness. And for that, I am, and always will be, truly grateful!

Thank you for taking this journey with me. Only God knows what is around the next bend and where the road will take us. And I know I can fully trust Him. 

So, here's to the next twenty-five years and everything THEY hold! 

May God go with you and keep you...and me. 

Trusting in HIS faithfulness,

 

It’s Christmas time again.

All my children are home.

The tree has been up since Thanksgiving weekend.

I even put lights up outside.

It all looks so cheerful and bright!

The church Christmas program was last weekend.

The presents are purchased and wrapped…well, almost, anyway!

Gifts have been passed out to the neighbors.

And I made peanut butter fudge.

It turned out just as I imagined it would…soft, creamy, smooth, and amazingly delicious.

And when it did, I promptly cried like a baby…again.

It was a first for me—making a batch alone,

using Michael’s equipment and the recipe/method his Aunt Charlotte had perfected.  

I felt as though I was honoring their memory with the task.

I needed the batch to be perfect.

The next one might not be—and that’s okay—but I needed this one,

this first attempt on my own, to be perfect.

Because I miss him.

I miss him. So much.

I miss him when we light a yummy holiday candle.

I miss him when I see all the décor emphasizing the joy of the season.

I miss him when planning family get-togethers.

I miss him when the kids participate in the Christmas programs—

making me so proud to be their mother, impressing me with their growth.

I miss him when I hear his favorite music,

when we attend the events that have become traditions for our family.

I miss him as my eldest daughter excitedly shares wedding plans.

Who will stand in for her father as she walks down the aisle?

How can we do these things with him not seeing, not being a part of it all?

The same way we have made it this far, I suppose.

One step at a time. One moment at a time. One dispensation of grace at a time.

You see, even though tears came with the fudge making, most days are good days.

Even though an occasional day’s darkness brings difficulty making decisions…

       and more tears,
       on most days, the sun shines brightly.

Stitch by stitch, my broken heart is being mended.

Step by step, God is guiding my way.

Moment by moment, I am learning to trust.

Day by day, I am finding Him faithful.

And…year by year, I am regaining my joy.

My living room Christmas tree is simple.

Its branches are loaded with ornaments…and stories.

Each year, each member of the family chooses a new ornament that represents something about themselves, their interests, their life status, or their hope for the new year ahead.

Two of my ornaments from recent years are simply a word…“Peace.”

In each of those years, I was almost surprised to find I could feel true peace in spite of the storm of circumstances around our family.
Yes, I had always heard of such peace, but I suppose I’d not had real reason to find it working so deeply and personally before.

It IS real. The amazing, unexplainable peace that God gives to His children is real.

But when I choose my ornament this weekend, I plan to look for one that illustrates a different gift…the gift of joy!

            “The first gift Jesus brought was joy…
The angel immediately proclaimed ‘good news of great joy’—
and not just for His [Jesus’s] mother and father.
All people everywhere would experience great joy because of His birth.

That tells us a lot about the kind of
Father God is to us. 

Yes, God cares about our righteousness, 

but He also desperately wants to offer us real, lasting joy—

the kind that can’t be jeopardized by changes in our economic status, 

employment, possessions, or relationships.”

~ James Merritt, The 25 Days of Christmas

I can’t earn this kind of joy.

I can’t fabricate this kind of joy.

I can’t explain this kind of joy.

But I know it’s real.

It’s a beautiful gift straight from the hand of God our Father.

Just as Peace is a healing balm to a wounded, weary heart,

so Joy is a light to a dark, depressed soul.

It keeps burning through the mists of grief showing the way to wholeness once again.

It keeps shining through heavy clouds of despair pointing toward a smile and a song.

It is true, it is real, it is a gift we receive so that we may pass it along to all we meet!

It is a testimony to God’s presence and power in our lives!

It is a choice we make to accept it or reject it…

No matter where we are, no matter what we face,

we can experience “Joy” and share it with “the WORLD” because the “Lord is come!”

Psalm 5:11

“But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice:
let them ever shout for joy,
because thou defendest them:
let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee.”

Psalm 16:11

“Thou wilt shew me the path of life:
in thy presence is fulness of joy;
at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.”

Psalm 30:5

“…weeping may endure for a night,
but joy cometh in the morning.”

Merry Christmas, my friends!

May the JOY of the Reason for the season shine brightly in your hearts today!