..."celebrating" today?

Today is February 6.  

It's just a normal day for most folks.  

Aaron Burr, Babe Ruth, and Ronald Reagan were born on this day in 1756, 1895, and 1911 respectively.  

On this date in...

1862, General Ulysses S. Grant captured Fort Henry in Tennessee
1899, the Spanish-American war ended
1911, a great fire destroyed downtown Constantinople (modern-day Istanbul, Turkey)
1935, the board game Monopoly went on sale for the very first time
1948, the first radio-controlled airplane was flown
1951, Paul Harvey was arrested for trying to sneak into Argonne National Laboratory
1952, Queen Elizabeth II succeeds King George VI to the British throne
1968, former President Dwight D. Eisenhower shot a hole-in-one
1971, a golf ball is hit for the first time on the moon (Alan Shephard)
1974, the U.S. House of Rep. begins determining grounds for President Nixon's impeachment 
1974, Shawna Joyce Englund was born to Don and Joyce Englund in Centerville, Iowa.

See?  No big deal. Really.  The day is just another day in most folks' lives...not just this year, but pretty much any year.  

But for me, it's a big one.  And I don't mean because I'm turning 40.  I don't really mind that.  Not anymore.  In another lifetime, the big 4-0 might have brought with it a twinge of "Seriously?? I can't be this old!  Where has time gone?  Do I LOOK that old???"

But in this lifetime, I don't really care.  40 isn't that different from 39.  

It's just that I don't want to face the day alone*...   

You see, I wasn't supposed to be a widow at 39.  I was supposed to be celebrating this big birthday with Michael by my side, teasing about how I'll soon need bifocals...because that's what people told him just before his 40th.  

But instead, nine days into his 40th year, his right femur decided it had had enough strain from the tumor it had secreted away...and it broke...bolting us across the game board of Life, putting an emphatic end to all the hopes and dreams we shared for our future together. 

Kinda puts a new spin on the term "mid-life crisis," doesn't it?  

And Michael never did need bifocals.

Could it be that I'm nervous about what my 40th year holds since Michael's was so traumatic?  Maybe. 

This day represents so much to me.  Yes, I'm now 40 years old.  That means I have now spent half of my life with Michael and half without. Being with him is all I really know.  I don't know how to do life without his steady wisdom and precious encouragement.  I have depended on his emotional support for so long now, I find I have trouble finding any alternatives.  Sharing important things with another seems so...well, awkward...

This day is also the beginning of many special days we will face as a family without Michael.  

Valentine's Day. More birthdays. Family events. Our 20th anniversary...

Julie was sobbing last night as I tucked her in bed.  She said she had to have her "Daddy blanket" with her - she was missing him so very, very much.  So we wrapped it all around her little arms and snuggled it up close to her face. I told her to think of it as a hug from her daddy...

I often wrap myself up in my blanket.  It sports three of my very favorite pictures of Michael and me together.  It helps.  Temporarily, at least.

Other times, I hug his pillow.  

Or smell his cologne.  That cologne sits proudly on Karson's bedroom shelf now.  He claimed it for his own just a few days after his daddy went where the scents are beautiful beyond anything our feeble minds are able to imagine! 

Sometimes I wonder whom I will be now that Michael is gone.  

I know I am a daughter of the Most High God - my loving Heavenly Father and a Protector of the widows and orphans.

I know I am a mother - of four of the world's most amazing human beings!  And they need me.  They need me to Still. Be. Mom.

I know I am a daughter, granddaughter, sister, in-law, cousin, niece, and aunt.  And oh, how I appreciate the blessings I have been given in that these relationships have not been torn apart by bitterness or anger, but are supportive and comforting and dependable!!

I know I am a friend.  Well, I have many wonderful friends.  I don't feel as though I've been much of a friend to many of them for a while now.  Maybe someday soon that can change.

I know I am a widow.  For now, that status seems forefront.  But I know it won't always be that way.  And I know that at some point, I can and will - by God's precious grace - get to a place where it will no longer define me.

I know I am blessed.  
I was blessed beyond measure by the privilege of being the wife of Michael J. Wright!
I have been blessed to have been given these four precious children!  
I have been blessed to have seen God's gentle hand at work in our lives, in my life, in undeniable ways! 

I know I am a recipient of God's amazing grace and precious provision...daily.

I don't know what else the Lord may have in mind for me. 
I pray that someday I can share with at least one person some of the lessons I've learned or  encourage at least one soul who is faced with tragedy...

But for today, I will do my best to focus on the blessings I have been given instead of whining like a spoiled brat about what I do NOT have.  

Frankly, though, that is much easier said than done.

* By "alone," I'm referring to the sense of loneliness that comes with facing things without my precious husband.  I will have my family around me, so I won't literally be alone.  

(Please understand.  I am not complaining.  If you feel I am, please just skip any further postings on this blog.  Writing in this form happens to be one of my favorite ways of processing and facing the things I'm feeling.  It is by no means meant to be whiny, nor am I trying to beg for sympathy.  But as Michael was open about his trials and struggles as well as his victories and blessings, so I may be at times about my own.)

    

...who grieves even while praising?

It's one week later.

I've made it.  The children have made it.  

I've experienced much, but when I try to sort out specifics, things are sometimes a bit of a blur. 

Many hands shook mine.  Many arms engulfed me in hugs.

Many kind words were spoken.  Many offers for help were extended. 

Many decisions were made.  Many tasks were willingly performed by others to lighten my load.

Many friends and family members came to stand in an incredibly long line...to let me know they care.

Many tears have been shed.  Many memories have been shared.

Many questions have been asked.  Many discussions about Heaven have been held. 

Many miles were traveled.  Many songs were sung.

Many texts and emails and Facebook messages have been exchanged.

Many cards have been received.  Many encouraging words have been shared.

So many came to the service where we celebrated the life of my one true love.

So many have been touched by his life!

So, at one week out, I find myself heading to the cemetery where that one true love now lies in the beautiful wooden coffin I chose for him.  The day before, the cemetery was populated with folks who came to pay their respects one more time and witness the touching fly-over by one of our dear pilot friends.  

It is one of those things I need to do all alone.  On this day, a bitter cold wind cuts through me like the proverbial knife as I endeavor to walk around a bit.  The clods of dirt on the fresh grave are hard and unforgiving, the leftover casket spray is pitiful-looking and frozen.  

My mind still refuses to wrap itself around the reality of this scenario.  It seems to vehemently resist the idea of the truth.  I don't live in denial now, nor have I in the past.  But I HAVE endeavored to focus as much as possible on any positive aspects of this tragic trial in order keep from falling prey to depression and dark thought patterns.

Thus, I now find that to keep from swirling into insanity, I must go back to that habit and focus on what good I can.  Like this:

It was NOT as cold the day of the funeral as it is this day.  

It is sunny and bright.

My children are strong troopers with a resiliency that amazes me.

I have no reason to fret about my financial state at the time being. 

The timing of the visitation and funeral worked well for some of the attendees.

There were so many who came out to express their support and show their love.  

I don't feel abandoned...by God, or by family and friends.

My husband's parents and siblings seemed pleased with the arrangements made for everything.

My husband left me well-prepared to meet this day.  

We had opportunity to grieve together and support each other in that grief.  

My house is filled with beautiful plants and flowers that serve to remind us of the care of friends and family as well as the creativity of a loving Heavenly Father Who remains in control of ALL the details of my life.  

This blog affords me the opportunity to process my thoughts and attempt to make some kind of sense of my feelings.

One of my best friends is bringing a new life into the world very, very soon giving us something to celebrate!

So far this winter, none of my children have gotten sick.

God put the right people in my life this past week to help me make the decisions demanded of me, to care for my children, to care for me.  

God.  Won't.  Leave.  Me.  Now.

In my crazy, steering-wheel pounding, gut-wrenching grief, God won't leave me to my own devices.  Even in this, God is there..providing a comfort beyond explanation, a peace that passes all understanding, and a promise for strength for the demands of each moment.  

And now as I find myself finally relaxing and giving into the need for sleep, I find I can still say that "He Giveth More Grace" - and I can rest knowing He will be there in my tomorrow...

...whose heart has been broken in two?

It is January 16, 2014.

I am sitting on the hospital bed left behind in my living room by my beloved...

my husband...

my very, very, very best friend.

I am seeing the room from the angle at which he viewed it for the last month before he went to be with Jesus.

I lost him officially today at 1:39 PM.

My heart is broken - shattered, really, into a bazillion teeny tiny pieces.

I've lost so much.

I've lost the last date night the hospice nurse had planned for this coming weekend.

I've lost Michael's gentle touch.

I've lost Michael's spirit which was so incredibly sensitive to my every mood and emotional need. 

I've lost a future with the most wonderful man ever created.

I've lost a wise and Godly father for my children.

I've lost my rock...my haven...
           my person that was "bigger than me" - who cared for me as I cared for others.

Yet in the midst of that loss, I have gained so much.

I have gained a most beautiful five months of precious, sweet, and invaluable time with my dear husband.

I have gained a new knowledge of what it means to really serve another person...and feel it's an amazing honor to do so.

I have gained an intimate knowledge of how God's grace can be, will be, and IS sufficient for each and every need I face.

I have gained new friends and renewed acquaintances with old ones.

I have gained a new appreciation for my amazingly spectacular children.

I have gained skills and abilities I never thought I'd need.

I have gained experiential knowledge of the generosity with which good people shine in time of crisis.

I have gained a deeper, more dependent relationship with our most gracious and loving Heavenly Father.

I have gained a beautiful forgiveness for my faults and failures and shortcomings.

I have gained an appreciation for the comfort good music can bring to an aching soul.

I have gained a stronger sense of the value of the family support network.

I have gained the marvelous honor of watching God work out HIS purposes and plans down to the tiniest details...as I sit and watch! 

I have gained a new reason to fight my way through this sin-blackened world to the reward of Heaven's gates - with my children in tow!

I have loved very very deeply...more deeply than I had ever imagined was possible...and I've been loved more earnestly than I ever felt I was worth.

I. Have. Been. So. Blessed.

...to have known Michael.

...to have been known by Michael...inside and out.

...to have been loved by Michael...for exactly who I am.

...to have been known by God....inside and out.

...to have been loved by God...for exactly who I am in Him.

What an amazing crazy ride we have experienced! And what an amazing God we serve!

These are my thoughts this most tragic of all days...exactly six months to the day away from our twentieth wedding anniversary.

And now, I will rest...rest in the peace of knowing he died as he would have wished...and in the comfort of knowing Michael has been blessed beyond measure today with the reward of meeting his Lord and Savior in that most beautiful of all havens, the "Haven of Rest!"

You deserve it, baby!  You fought hard!  See ya soon!!!!!

...who has proven Him true?

When I travel the pathway so rugged and steep,
When I pass through the valley so dark and so deep,
And when snares for my soul by my foes have been set,
Jesus never has failed me yet.

He never has failed me yet.
He never has failed me yet.
I have proven Him true; What He says He will do.
He never has failed me yet.

I've heard and sung this song all my life.  Haven't you?  What do you think about that phrase "I have proven Him true; What He says He will do"? 

Have you?  Have you proven Him true?  Have you had experiences that have proven the promises of God are real, vital, and in working order for us - today - in this time and in this place?

I have. 

My life is a constant and steady dependency on God and on all the strength, grace, and courage He has promised to provide for those who are in need of it.  

Every day brings new and unexpected challenges.  Every day, my self-discipline is tested, my physical strength is pushed to its limit, my emotions run up and down the roller-coaster of caring for a loved one who is terminally ill...and every day, all that grace, strength, courage is renewed...just like God has promised in my life verse:  

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." (Isaiah 41:10)

It's true, friends!!!!  He IS there when I'm in need...no matter WHAT that need may be!  

He has carried me physically - keeping me from getting sick when dealing with a lack of good sleep and exposure to flu bugs from multiple sources.  

He has cared for me emotionally - holding me and comforting me when the thoughts and feelings of losing my best friend and life's companion overwhelm me and I can't see my way through the dark.

He has provided for us financially - sending many generous financial gifts our way and providing meals for us through surprising sources like Michael's employers.

He has granted me wisdom - bringing creative solutions to mind when I'm faced with new challenges regarding my husband's care or my children's upbringing or education.

He has enabled me with self-discipline - helping me bite my tongue when crisis causes emotions to run high and keeping me going when I don't think I am able to take another step or perform another task.  

He has blessed me with peace - bathing me with it when anxiety begins to wind its tenacious tendrils around my heart, trying to squeeze out all signs of faith.  

He has carried me - reassuring me of His love when I haven't had the time I'd like to spend in the Word or in formal prayer, although some days seem like one constant breath of prayer for help...

He has provided a network of hearts led to lift us...me...up in prayer on a regular basis.  And I believe those prayers have truly borne me up time and time again.

I can't say it enough...I will be eternally grateful for the Lord's gracious promises, but more than that, I will always be grateful for the way He has shown ME that those promises are not only meant for me, but they work.  

And oh, how my heart soars when I read or sing these words...

"Morning by morning new mercies I see...All I have needed Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!"

Resting in the everlasting arms,

...who wonders about one's purpose?

Beware:  what follows are rambling thoughts that may make no sense to anyone else.  They are just pressing in on me and since my goal for this blog is to have a place to process some of my thoughts and feelings in order to make sense of them, I thought I'd just go ahead and share. 

Recently, my mind has turned over and over again to the thought that there is a reason God created me - a "why" for the timing and the place.  God has something in mind for each of us to accomplish.  For some folks, that purpose is very public, very "out there" and obvious.  For others, that purpose is to fulfill tasks that forever remain hidden in the background. 

Does that make their tasks less important?

What defines a purpose as "important" in the realm of God's kingdom? 

Am I accomplishing all that God has in mind for me or will I look back on this period of time in my life and feel I could have, should have done more?

I have a deep longing to participate in things such as beautiful music, inspirational drama, uplifting writings, or other such creative endeavors that result in bringing others closer to God in some way.  Why would God have given me these desires or talents (such as they are) if not to be used in some sort of ministry for Him?

But these days I rarely have the opportunity or energy to fulfill these desires.  It seems that it takes all I have just to care for my family as they have need. And even then I'm not sure it's enough.  I feel as though I'm failing in that most important of jobs...I'm not creative enough, funny enough, stern enough, loving enough, energetic enough, wise enough...

And is that my only purpose for being here?  Just to serve my family?  Or is my purpose to include something else that I am missing? 

I have found recently that some of the things I used to be able to do are too overwhelming for me.  It's as though my creativity levels are suffering, my energy level isn't what it used to be, and my heart aches over this. 

I WANT to be of service in the Kingdom!  I don't want to fail my God!  He has been so wonderfully gracious and patient with me!  How can I do any less than obey what He asks of me? 

But finding out exactly what God's will is has been so puzzling to me over the past three years.  I know I am to serve my husband in his time of need, but what happens when that conflicts with caring for my children who are also a God-given responsibility? What about when I have to turn down "ministry" in order to care for my family? What then?

And what good is taking out trash and mowing the lawn and buying groceries in light of Kingdom work?  How does doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms bring anyone to Christ?  I'm not good at much, but will I ever get to use what skills I do have to touch other lives again?

I know, I know...."Little is much when God is in it."   And that's exactly what I would tell anyone who shared these same thoughts with me.  But for some reason, I guess I feel my "little" is smaller than is usable for true Kingdom work. 

I don't want to fail my husband. I don't want to fail my children.  I am so far from perfect that it makes my heart ache often.  They deserve so much more.  But I'm just trying to love on them as much as I can and maybe God can make up the difference where I am lacking.  But if I can't do this job right how can I handle tacking on any other ministry? And can I even hope to get it right?

I've heard that God uses cracked pots.  Cracked pots.  That describes me beautifully!  And I pray with all my heart that God is able to use this cracked pot to work out His purposes in some way. 

So many I know have unique ministries where they get to do something they love to bring glory to God and brighten the paths of those around them in the process.  I am in awe of their talents and abilities.  God bless each of them mightily!

And I guess I'm a tiny bit envious that their Kingdom role is so easily defined.

Maybe this is a bit of a "mid-life crisis" thought line. I don't know.  Neither do I know the answers to the above questions.  But, I can say with assurance that God has been so good to our family.  He has been extremely patient and faithful to my own heart.  I must trust Him to show me the way...

My husband's life has touched so many across the nation.  His testimony is so strong and clear and pure and powerful.  He has his purpose figured out.  I guess I'm still in the "figuring out" phase.

Part 2

 

Okay.  Well, I just returned from a service where my cousin spoke.  He and his wife and two daughters are serving as English teachers and missionaries in a country that is not technically open to the Gospel.  He made a statement tonight that I've known but of which I needed to be reminded. He said he had had to learn that "People are what matter.  People.  Not much else does." 

 

That's something that really needs to sink way down deep into my soul.  I know people should be my focus.  I know that with every fiber of my being.  But I also feel so much pressure to get things done - especially when so much rests on my doing it since my husband isn't physically able to do what he used to.  And if I get behind, well, then the rest of the week is just spent playing catch-up.  Where should the line be drawn? 

 

Dear God, I need You.  I need Your wisdom.  Every day, every hour, every minute.  I need YOU to help me figure this out.  My emotions are so crazy, my body so weary, my heart so heavy some days that I feel my judgment is skewed and faulty.  Please guide me. Please hear my heart and help me know Your plan for my life as well as Your plan for my newly defined role in our family.   

 

So there was the comment my cousin made, then the offertory was played.  The song?  "Brighten the Corner Where You Are."  Maybe that is my answer.  Maybe so. 

 

Rambling again,

(But isn't that what a blog is for? Lol!)



 

 

 

 

Link

I just posted some thoughts over on the Cherish the Call blog page! 

Take a peek if you are interested!

Thanks for taking time to read my random postings along the way...May God bless you all!

...who doesn't really wanna grow up?

Am I the only one who struggles with my mouth totally running ahead of my brain?  The only one who FEELS like yelling to the world that I'd really rather NOT be a grown-up but instead throw a monster sized tantrum?  (Not that I actually DO it, mind you, but the temptation does arise on occasion...) The only one who when your teen-aged daughter has a melt-down, you join her?  Yeah, well, I’ve been guilty of all of the above.  I’ve really been working on some things, though, as hard as it has been, and I thought I’d share with you all a bit of what I’ve recently learned. 

Colossians 4:6 has me under conviction currently. 

“Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.”

Wow.  When I’m in all-about-me-I-don’t-wanna-be-a-grown-up-melt-down mode, does my speech measure up to this standard????  Ouch.  More importantly, what’s going through my heart and mind?  If we nurse them long enough, thoughts and feelings inevitably weasel their way into words…words we eventually come to regret.

I have yet to conquer the waves of crazy feelings that come crashing over me at times, but I have been begging and pleading with the Lord to help me watch my words…to help me think through the implications of what I’m saying...to help me stick with facts instead of letting feelings cloud my judgment.  All of these add up to a monumental task that is more challenging than anything else I’m facing.  And being a homeschooling mom of four and the wife of a cancer fighter, that is saying a lot.  But I mean it.  The little foxes spoil the vines, you know…and so it is in my case.  When I’m off my game and not watching, praying, reading the Word, or examining my heart, Satan attacks.  And sometimes it’s a little while before I realize what is going on.  Sometimes I don’t catch it until my emotions are fully engaged and it is difficult to sort out the facts. The battle can be incredibly difficult to fight, but God is faithful.  He WILL provide the strength if we are willing to follow His principles laid out for us in His Word.

This past week, I read a blog post written by Megan Rice on Mom Life Today.  I have so appreciated this blog!  Her article is specifically geared toward helping our kids work through their emotional melt-down moments, but I’ve snagged these four questions for use in my own journey. 

1.       What are you feeling?

2.       What caused you to feel this way?

3.       What is the truth about this situation?

4.       What is a good response to this situation?

I’ve noticed that if I pinpoint my emotions and give them a name, they shrink dramatically. 
Secondly, if I look for the cause of the emotion, I usually find that the emotions I’m feeling are way out of proportion to the actual event that caused them to flare up.  Sometimes this second step alone can take the wind out of the sails of the craziness haunting me. 

My best bet though, is number three.  What is the truth?  First, what is God’s truth about His love for me?  What is God’s truth about who I am? If I take a hard look at the persons involved, can I see through the haze of what Satan is tossing my way and remember the truth about the relationship?  If it involves my husband, it may feel as though he has done something insensitive or hurtful, but if everything else in our relationship points to his caring for me by working hard, by providing for the family, by telling me he loves me, by his faithfulness in all ways…how CAN I really believe him anything but what he says he is!  And all of my responses to anything he does that may SEEM insensitive need to be filtered through that truth. The same principle can be applied in every relationship.  I need to also look at the truth in my own actions.  Did I do my best in every aspect?  Did I please the Lord?  If so, no matter what Satan has to throw my way, it shouldn’t stick.  If I have not, maybe the beginning of clearing up the emotional haze would be to do some apologizing.  That can be difficult, but it can also cut the duration of a crazy period in half!

In determining the truth about a situation and diffusing some of the emotion from the scenario, we can then come closer to determining what our response to the situation should be – based on Scripture…not on our own misguided desires or tendencies.  1 Corinthians 13 comes quickly to mind.  Again, ouch.

Please remember that this is NOT, I repeat, NOT a process I have come anywhere NEAR perfecting. I’m totally in the learning stages with all of this.  But I figured maybe some accountability could come from sharing this with you all.  And maybe, just maybe it would be of some help to one of you. 

For my own benefit, I took the above questions and pared them down to one word each and wrote them on my bathroom mirror…along with some of my other favorite reminders…yeah, I have a large bathroom mirror!  This is my list:

1.       Feeling?

2.       Cause?

3.       Truth?

4.       Response?

Not that you couldn’t have come up with that yourselves (grin). Anyway, my experience has shown me that I need short and sweet reminders for crisis moments.  I can’t read a whole paragraph or digest a chapter in a book when I’m over the top emotional, so this is designed to quickly get my brain back on track and hope my emotions quickly follow! 

These verses have been my daily prayer for the past few weeks...may my heart be pure and my actions pleasing to the Heavenly Father...

“Have mercy upon my, O God, according to thy lovingkindness…

                Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts…

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me,

                Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me…

A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.”

~Selections from Psalm 51