...who is reminiscing today?

Today is March 20.
Many things come to mind when I think of this date. And many emotions follow.

I think of the first time that March 20 became significant for our family. We had a bit of snow that day, the last of the season, and we had special plans in place for the day. We would be attending a birthday party in the afternoon, then eating out with some friends coming in from Colorado - it was intended as a belated 40th birthday celebration for Michael...

What happened instead was far different than any of us expected. And that same sentiment has characterized the four years that have followed that fateful day.

But God wasn't taken by surprise. Looking back, I have often marveled over the many ways in which He prepared us for this journey. Our hearts have filled with praise time and time again for the goodness of our gracious heavenly Father!

Just a few short days after the beginning of this most challenging of journeys that began with a broken femur bone, a friend gave me a journal. Journaling has become a vital part of my coping strategy ever since.

I began by recording basic events and feelings and progressed into sharing
deep, dark secrets of haunting fears, intense pain, fragile hopes, dashed dreams,
unexpected challenges, and desperate prayers,
as well as emotional highs, amazing blessings, sweet memories,
cherished gifts, and promises from God...

On March 28, 2010, I wrote:
"I have cried...I have pled that God show Himself to me in a way I couldn't miss...I have grieved...but I have not felt deserted nor alone. I cannot thank the Lord enough for His loving care for us through each and every moment! Life has changed...God has blessed!"

A year later, we celebrated our newly completed home and God's faithfulness to us with a house dedication and reception - 117 were in attendance that day. Love was showered upon our family, God was praised and worshipped lovingly, and a new determination was settled in our hearts...this home was built by God and would be used for God's glory in any way possible.

March 20, 2011, I wrote:
"We've made it one year from the day our world turned upside down. We've faced so much.
Hurt...mentally and physically.  Fear. Loneliness. Decisions. Anger. Frustration. Separation. Miscommunication. Depression. Awkwardness. Worry. Sleepless nights. Calling on God.
Tears...and more tears.
But we've also experienced God's grace...in abundance!
...my heart is so full of gratefulness to the Lord for such a beautiful day, wonderful attendance, anointed singing, kind people who have touched our lives in so many ways, for guidance and strength and grace to help help us make the journey thus far and promises for more in the future...and for my husband!!"

In March of 2012, I was experiencing another loss...the death of my uncle, age 42...Michael's age.

Plus, from reading entries from around that time, I was suffering from some severe depression and was looking for some help in coping with these new emotional challenges. I don't have an entry for the 20th, but on the 18th and the 21st, I made note of the meetings that began my interaction with Stephen Ministries. This step proved vital to my progress in dealing with not only my current needs, but the dark days I knew were still ahead of me. I believe with all my heart that God knew exactly which Care Giver I needed to be assigned to, and He lined everything up just as He had so many other times on our journey!

I am so grateful He cared enough to help not only my husband, but me. By this point I had begun to understand the weight of responsibility that was being transferred to my shoulders whether I wanted it or not. I had begun to see that if I fell apart, so did all the rest of my family.

Frankly, I had begun to HATE being an adult.

I needed someone to come alongside me, hear my heart without judgment, and then keep me focused on God's truth in the matter at hand.

My Stephen Minister served just that purpose for me and still does. God also brought others into my life to minister to me in love in different ways.

It still amazes me how much Jesus cared for me during my very darkest hours!!

The entry for March 20, 2013, includes these remarks:
"3 years.
3 long, yet short years.
What I've learned cannot be measured. We've been blessed beyond all measure. God has proven His faithfulness time and time again...and He has been sooooo patient with me.
Today is a day of mixed emotions...the crazy ones that remembering brings and the happy and relieved ones that having MJ here and doing fairly well bring...
Dear Jesus...Please guide my every step...my every thought...my every emotion...so that I may be the person I should be...so that I learn more fully the extent of Your will and grace and help...so that I become a shining reflection of Your light and love in my life."

Yes. There were still hurts and disappointments. And I wrote about those, too. In fact, the devil fought our family in so many ways and with so many different tactics, it seemed a more difficult battle than the fight we were in against cancer!

But the recurring sentiments were that in spite of it all, GOD IS GOOD...His mercies are everlasting...and new every morning!
He has been faithful to His promises to strengthen and help me!
He has taught me many, many things and answered many, many prayers!
He has become MY God in new and real ways!

And now here we are - March 20, 2014. My journal entry today will include the words from this song as I remember the amazing life of my best friend and remind myself of the comforting hope of seeing him again in that land that is fairer than day...

I shall see you soon again in the land of life
I shall hear your voice again, singing praise to the Lamb
No more heartache, no more pain, you are home free 
So I'll see you soon again in the land of life.

Where there is peace, peace in your presence,
And there's joy evermore, you will nevermore depart,
Never say one more goodbye,
You are home.

So I'll see you soon again in the land of life
I shall hear your voice again, singing praise to the Lamb
No more heartache, no more pain, you are home free
I shall see you soon again in the land of life.

No more heartache, no more pain, you are home free
I shall see you soon again in the land of life.
~~ Bill & Gloria Gaither

Listen to this beautiful song here.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; 

and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: 

for the former things are passed away.

Revelation 21:4

I know this post is long, more than likely there are grammatical errors, and it is likely that few will read it. But that's okay.
It stands as my testimony to God's grace and faithfulness to me...
and I want to share that with the WORLD!!!

Loving Jesus more every day,

...who has been sucker-punched by a very little thing?

It's just a little thing, really. A very, very small thing in the big picture of life. 

But last night it was the cause of much grief...much pain in my heart.
"What is this little thing?" you say. "If it is truly so small, why let it bother you so?"
It is true that it is very small.  You are correct in assuming I should let it go. And I did. Eventually.

But not until after I had processed it a while. 

You see, even the smallest details are important in my journey through grief. "Through" is an important word here. It is indicative of the hard cold fact that grief is something I must go through. I cannot escape it. I cannot delegate this unpleasant task. I cannot get "over it" nor detour around it. If I try, I only end up harming myself and ultimately my children because of the internal stress and turmoil that "stuffing it" causes. 

So, even the smallest of details must be faced head-on; the grief and sorrow must be felt, then set aside. The pain sweeps over my soul, my whole being...then, as it subsides, sweet peace often takes its place - the peace of acknowledging the good times, the amazing memories, and the love shared.

It's all a part of the process. And it can happen anywhere, anytime.

And this time it was triggered by something miniscule.

I was sucker-punched with a wave of jealousy over the ampersand.  "What's that?" you say.

It is this ------>  & 
Yup.  Just that ----> &

But you see, it was more than just the symbol itself...in fact, that's a great word to describe it - "symbol." It always serves as a connector...a link between two persons or things. 

And in this case it was serving as a link between husbands and wives. It symbolized  relationships...marriages...shared dreams, date nights, private jokes, long looks...

I was typing up a long list of names - and over and over again I had to type that "&" between the first names of the married couples...

"John & Mary Brown" became a symbol of what "they" had that I have no longer.

Temptation hit hard to think those names, those people deserve their "&" less than I do...
I was hit hard with the grief of losing my "&."
I was tempted to resent my loss.

But God...

God has been so faithful to pick up the pieces every time I fall apart.
He has loved me in spite of my crazy moments of extreme pain and the silly things I may do as a result of that pain.

He loved me through my spell of difficult tears once again, then gently reminded me that He is IN this...He is IN this process with me...He is in control of the whole series of events that has led to this moment...He has brought me "through" so much and He will NOT leave me now.

God has promised to be with me.  He has said,

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed;

for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee;

yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

~Isaiah 41:10

"Have not I commanded thee?

Be strong and of a good courage;

be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed:

for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

~Joshua 1:9

See there?? How exciting this is!!!!  God has promised to be with me EVERYWHERE I go. 

I know, I know, we've been taught this principle ever since we could think in sentences if not before, but it means something different to me now! You see, my husband was a finite human being. He could only be in one place at one time. So, if I ever had to be away from him, our only communication was via phone or text, etc. I missed his physical presence when we were apart.

I miss it even more now...because I cannot come home and find him here waiting. I will never again pick up the phone and see a text from him. I will never again hear his wonderfully kind voice over the phone.

But God...

He CAN be and WILL be here with me at ALL times!  In the happy moments as well as those filled with pain, His presence can be very real...and no one can take that away from me.

Maybe I can have an "&" next to my name after all!

                 God & Me...

Kinda shines a different light on this verse, doesn't it?  ;-)

"What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
~Mark 10:9

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusted in him, and I am helped:
therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth;
and with my song I will praise him."
~Psalm 28:7

May you be blessed with a personal knowledge of the Lord's presence today and every day...

"Be not dismayed whate’er betide,
God will take care of you;
Beneath His wings of love abide,
God will take care of you.

"Through days of toil when heart doth fail,
God will take care of you;
When dangers fierce your path assail,
God will take care of you.

"All you may need He will provide,
God will take care of you;
Nothing you ask will be denied,
God will take care of you.

"No matter what may be the test,
God will take care of you;
Lean, weary one, upon His breast,
God will take care of you.

"God will take care of you,
Through every day, over all the way;
He will take care of you,
God will take care of you."

~ Civilla D. Martin

"I'm gonna make it.
He's already said that I would.
I'll keep on trusting
That He's working everything for my good.
He walks beside me and Heaven is in my view.
Oh, I'm gonna make it through."

~Cissy Padgett

Shawna



...who feels inadequate at putting feelings into words?

Here is an attempt at expressing a few of the thoughts I've had over the past few months...years...


My heart is so heavy today.
The causes or reasons
          I choose not to explain.
We each have a mountain to climb...
         You...and me...
They may be different
          But both are mountains just the same.

It takes more strength than I have on my own
To even face that mountain...
         Let alone climb it.

         I do not want the mountain.
         I hate the mountain.

                         But...

I love the God Who made that mountain
         And gave it to me.
He made it...
         Not with my abilities or strengths in mind
         But with His own
               glorious love,
                     tender care,
                            and powerful, burden-bearing
                                    everlasting arms.

You cannot climb your mountain in your own strength.
I am not even sure I can help you.
My own task daily overwhelms my senses
         And takes my breath away.

                          But...

I can ask God to be to you all that He has promised He would be!
         I can cheer you on!
                  I can celebrate with you in your victories!
                           I can love you as others have loved me!
                                    I can share with you how God has blessed me!

God has blessed me to be a blessing.
He has granted me one more breath...
          one more moment with my family...
                    one more gorgeous sunset to enjoy...
                              one more day to try again...
         and the strength to take
                 one
                       more
                              step
                                    up the side of my mountain.