..who has broken days?

Sooooo….it’s happened again. 

Another “help!-I’m-falling-apart-and-I-can’t-stop-it” kind of day.

Wait. Make that two days.

What caused it this time? 

Who knows? 

It could have been the fact that yesterday was the 16th of the month. 

(For a refresher on why the 16th might be a trigger, you can read this post.)

It could have been the fact that I’ve been sorting through old files on the computer, and

        some brought back old and painful memories. 

It could have been the fact that I’ve been trying to figure out some special projects using       Michael’s old shirts and jeans. 

I still hate the thought of cutting into them. 

I am not sure I want anyone else doing it either.

Making these items might be something I need to do…a part of the journey

               somehow…

It could have been because I did something recently and felt good about it…

and I really, really wanted to share my accomplishment with Michael. 

Sharing with anyone else just isn’t the same. 

It could have been because I’m feeling like the lone male in my house is finding it difficult

         to remember that mom is still the “Boss” even though she’s a member of the “weaker

              sex.”

I guess I’m not scary when I’m crying while folding laundry………..

It could have been because the TASKS for which I’m responsible have piled up. 

And THEY are screaming at me VERY LOUDLY. 

And I’m at a point where I would much rather check out. 

And when I do, THEY get that much scarier. 

And there is no one here to tell me when it’s okay to quit and take a break, or to

encourage and push me to keep going when I need to.

  

It could have been that being around extremely talented people (as I was recently) causes me to question…

Exactly who am I? 

What am I doing to contribute to the greater good of society?

How is cleaning my kitchen floor even CLOSE to being “important” to the world at

               large?

Do I have even one bloomin’ skill of value to offer anyone? To God? 

If I do, what is it? 

Should I do it?

Would I lose my tentative hold on sanity if I did?

Who AM I kidding? 

Yeah. So THOSE thoughts and emotions turn into days where my brain goes like this:

“Ugh. 

I can’t move…the weight on my heart is intense.

I have to do this day?

I have to breathe? And feel? And interact? 

“Where is my phone? 

Why does it matter? 

The world does just fine on its own. 

It doesn’t need my two cents to keep it turning.

“Seriously? 

I honestly thought this kid KNEW this just yesterday!!”

I can’t seem to find a single ounce of creativity for helping her today….

Any “good teacher” in me left before sunrise…

I can’t stand the thought of talking to anyone outside this house. 

But I’m so lonely I could burst. 

I want to share how I feel today with someone.

But it takes entirely too much energy to formulate the words.

Everyone is exhausted with hearing it anyway…

My heart aches.

Tears flow. Often.

And it’s difficult to stop them.

“This kitchen floor is INCREDIBLY sticky!!

That laundry needs folded!

I don’t care. 

“There is NO WAY I can let this go! 

I can’t STAND it this way a moment longer!

NO ONE can see this….absolutely no one….

I HAVE to get this place cleaned up!

“But I can’t.” 

Other tasks take precedence. 

I become dazed as I think of all I SHOULD be doing in this moment…

And I check out.

It’s a coping mechanism, I know.

I have plans to return to my reality…soon.

For now, I must breathe. 

Tears come again.

Unintentionally sharp words fly out of my mouth toward a child.

The stress has overcome me. 

I now carry the guilt of Mom-failure like blocks of concrete on my chest.

“Can’t Michael PLEASE come back and do this WITH me??

“I need Jesus today.

There are SO many good people hurting so deeply today.

They need Him much more than I do.

He HAS to be weary with my constant pulling on Him……

“How many more days like this will there be? 

“Where is Michael, anyway? Sitting with the Apostle Paul? With Jesus?

What is he doing? Singing? Walking? Exploring new sights? 

“Why? Why did HE get chosen for such a glorious early dismissal from class?

I must have flunked the quiz that got him the passing grade. 

Because he’s there, and I’m here.

“And I’m pretty sure I’m still flunking Single-Parenting 101.

I’m definitely flunking Geek school. I can’t make this computer do what I need it to do!!!

Health class? Um…..let’s just say there’s been more fast food fed to my family than I’d care to admit.”

And that’s all in about the first, um, couple of hours or so of the day……….

Nope. I CAN’T do this day.

So I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have to.

Because Jesus promised He would be here with me in this day. 

He promised to “do” this day for me if I lean on Him.

I don’t always remember this when I should.

But it’s true, nonetheless.

Day by day, and with each passing moment,

Strength I find to meet my trials here;

Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,

I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.

He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,

Gives unto each day what He deems best,

Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,

Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,

With a special mercy for each hour;

All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,

He whose name is Counsellor and Pow’r.

The protection of His child and treasure

Is a charge that on Himself He laid;

“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”

This the pledge to me He made.

Why can’t I remember this pledge, this promise, this gift before smashing my way through a broken day?

Jesus still speaks to me even in the midst of brokenness.

    He whispers reminders to me to let the kids know this is not their fault.

     He gently nudges me toward solutions but doesn’t beat on me when I fail.

He grants me enough strength to care for the “musts” and eases my guilt for the rest.

    He blesses me with sweet sleep when the tears finally stop flowing for the night.

     He prevents me from making serious blunders while in this condition.

He enables me to get enough done that the day isn't a total loss.

    He fans a tiny flame of hope in my heart that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

     He shows me sweet mercy and helps carry my burden.

He brings wonderful sentiments of His love to me through sweet friends or family.

  Like this one passed along by a cousin: 

Hey Soul? Let's take off all the pressure to get it perfect today. 

You don't have to get it all together -- 

because God's already got you. 

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. 

You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. 

When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. 

When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end—

Because I am God, your personal God...your Savior." 

Isa 43:1-4 MSG

Today's work isn’t about trying to redeem yourself of last week’s mistakes --

because His love's already *perfectly* redeemed you *forever.*

Grace flies in the face of logic and wraps us in arms of unexpected love.

~ Ann Voskamp

Then He blesses me with a gorgeous sunset and reminds me in doing so that He can still do amazing things with clouds….in fact, the more clouds, the more amazing the sunset can be!

I wonder what He can do with my “clouds”?

Hugs and understanding from my children is another amazing gift straight from Heaven! 

They are good to me even when they don’t understand me.

Somehow maybe the brokenness of these days can be redeemed. 

I don’t exactly see it yet. 

Maybe I never will. 

Maybe it’s not mine to know.

This Day…

I’ve been granted Grace.

And Strength.

And Forgiveness.

And Mercy.

In my brokenness, I’ve been given Jesus…..I cannot ask for more.

Anniversaries

18 months.

Or 21 years.

This date has significance both ways. 

Both were beginnings. Both were also an end.

Both were an end to life as I knew it. 

Both were the beginning of a new “normal.”

Both were intrinsically saturated with volatile emotions.

One was my wedding day. 

One was the day my marriage ended.

One was the day my dreams were fulfilled.

One was the day my dreams were crushed.

One was full of anticipation, the other of dread.

One was characterized by smiles, the other with tears.

Both were filled with the support of family and friends.

Both were bold reminders of the impact each choice has on our future.

I remember them both with this insane mixture of bitter and sweet.

Bitter - because the marriage that began so beautifully smacked into “death do us part” entirely too soon…because I LOVED being defined by the role of wife, and that no longer exists for me…because I do not enjoy facing life and its challenges alone.

Sweet - because of the wonderful memory-making moments we were blessed to experience as a result of that day twenty-one years ago…because of the four precious little people that union brought into existence…because of the precious way God answered prayers even as Michael lay on his death bed. 

Bitter - because I see so much joy in Happy Anniversary posts on Facebook and I know that isn’t part of my NOW….because I struggle to find a replacement for the feeling of being valued so deeply by another human being that he was willing to spend the rest of his life with me.

Sweet - because I was privileged to experience deep, soul-connecting, true love….because I know Jesus loves me with a love far beyond that of any man’s…and He is caring for me even now.

As this day in 2015 comes to a close, the kids are all headed into sweet slumber, and all the emotion of these memories comes crashing in over my head. 

The day really was a good one. The kids and I did some chores, then we spent some wonderful time together as a family. But when that time came to an end, I could feel the crazy stuff pressing in on me…smothering my ability to think straight, tearing at my heart with sharp pangs of sorrow.

I don’t WANT to feel or remember the pain. 

But it lives just beneath the surface of every day, not just special anniversary days like this one. 

Sometimes the trigger for its release is a phrase someone uses in casual conversation.
Sometimes it's a picture. 

Sometimes it’s a song playing over a store intercom,
          sometimes a specific location or activity.

Sometimes it’s a task he used to perform.
Sometimes it's his favorite cologne.

Sometimes…it’s nothing at all. 

What was life like before this pain? Before cancer? I scarcely remember. 

The children were looking through some old photo albums today.
That’s one way to remember. 

One way to recreate some of what once was. 

But that doesn’t solve the pain problem. Because what was, is no more. 

So thankfully, the children don’t need to stay in the past, nor cling to it.  They acknowledge its significance in their lives and value it. But they are also ready to live…to move forward with what  IS, their NOW.

In this, they are brilliant. They are resilient. They are all their father ever wanted them to be. 

They have not let this mountain become their Apollo 13. 

They have instead allowed it to become their Space Shuttle Discovery…

      …..launching them into discovery of themselves, their weaknesses, and their strengths.

…..launching them into discovery of God’s promises to them personally.

….launching them into discovery of the faithfulness and character of God.

Their high school transcripts may not be filled with grandiose extracurricular courses and activities, but they have lived a lot of LIFE these past few years. How much more prepared to face their future could they be than to have experienced such things?

Me? Well, my schedule isn’t full of community service, church outreach events, missions trips, or entertainment opportunities. It’s not glamorous in the least. I have no speaking engagements nor is any book being published. I have little to offer society as a whole. Many days are filled with the boring tasks that keep our little portion of the world turning somewhat smoothly.

But do you know what? Many of these very days are good days….very good days. 

Days where we work together, play together, cry or laugh together.

Days where hugs are given freely as well as insults traded teasingly.

Days where tempers get short, but forgiveness is readily granted.

Days where we learn our limitations and grant grace to each other.

Days where we reach out in compassion to others facing deep hurt and loss.

Days where we find our way through challenges while experiencing God's grace.

Days where we remember what we have faced and Who brought us through.

And when I truly stop to remember, I no longer feel alone. 

Alone, Yet Not Alone

Bruce Broughton

Performed by Joni Eareckson Tada

To listen, click here.

I'm alone, yet not alone.

God's the light that will guide me home.

With His love and tenderness,

Leading through the wilderness,

And wherever I may roam,

I'm alone, yet not alone.

I will not be bent in fear.

He's the refuge I know is near.

In His strength I find my own.

By His faithful mercies shown.

That so mighty is His shield

All His love is now revealed.

When my steps are lost.

And desperate for a guide,

I can feel his touch,

A soothing presence by my side.

Alone, yet not alone.

Not forsaken when on my own.

I can lean upon His arm,

And be lifted up from harm.

If I stumble, or if I'm thrown,

I'm alone, yet not alone.

When my steps are lost.

And desperate for a guide,

I can feel his touch,

A soothing presence by my side.

By my side!

He has bound me with His love,

Watchful angels look from above.

Every evil can be braved,

For I know I will be saved.

Never frightened on my own,

I'm alone, yet not alone.

I'm alone, yet not alone.

_____________________________________________

"And the LORD, he [it is] 

that doth go before thee;

he will be with thee, he will not fail thee,

neither forsake thee:

fear not, neither be dismayed."

Deuteronomy 31:8

...who needs these words today?

1. All Your Anxiety

   Edward H. Joy, Public Domain
   
   
   Is there a heart o’erbound by sorrow?
   Is there a life weighed down by care?
   Come to the cross, each burden bearing;
   All your anxiety—leave it there.
2. No other friend so swift to help you,
   No other friend so quick to hear,
   No other place to leave your burden,
   No other one to hear your prayer.
3. Come then at once; delay no longer!
   Heed His entreaty kind and sweet,
   You need not fear a disappointment;
   You shall find peace at the mercy seat.
   
   
   Refrain:

   All your anxiety, all your care,

   Bring to the mercy seat, leave it there,

   Never a burden He cannot bear,

   Never a friend like Jesus!
   
   

   
   
   What a Friend We Have in Jesus
   Joseph M. Scriven, Public Domain
   
   
   1. What a friend we have in Jesus,
      All our sins and griefs to bear!
      What a privilege to carry
      Everything to God in prayer!
      Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
      Oh, what needless pain we bear,
      All because we do not carry
      Everything to God in prayer!
   2. Have we trials and temptations?
      Is there trouble anywhere?
      We should never be discouraged—
      Take it to the Lord in prayer.
      Can we find a friend so faithful,
      Who will all our sorrows share?
      Jesus knows our every weakness;
      Take it to the Lord in prayer.
   3. Are we weak and heavy-laden,
      Cumbered with a load of care?
      Precious Savior, still our refuge—
      Take it to the Lord in prayer.
      Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
      Take it to the Lord in prayer!
      In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
      Thou wilt find a solace there.
   4. Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
      Thou wilt all our burdens bear;
      May we ever, Lord, be bringing
      All to Thee in earnest prayer.
      Soon in glory bright, unclouded,
      There will be no need for prayer—
      Rapture, praise, and endless worship
      Will be our sweet portion there.
      
      
      
      
      He Giveth More Grace
      Annie J. Flint, Public Domain
      
      
      
      

      1. He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
         He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
         To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
         To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.
      2. When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
         When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
         When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
         Our Father’s full giving is only begun.
      3. Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
         Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
         Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
         The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.
      4. Refrain:
         His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
         His power no boundary known unto men;
         For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
         He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.
         
         
         
         
         When life seems bigger than anything I had imagined, GOD IS HERE.
         When tasks are immensely daunting yet my energy has vanished, GOD IS HERE.
         When panic grips my heart and I can barely survive that moment, GOD IS HERE.
         When pain surrounds me and steals my very breath, GOD IS HERE.
         When my heart is broken for others in deep distress, GOD IS HERE.
         When failure taunts my bruised spirit and I cower in insecurity, GOD IS HERE.
         When dark memories rush back over me and drown out the good, GOD IS HERE.
         When the future looms large and my heart quakes, GOD IS HERE.
         When light glimmers faintly in the distance, GOD IS HERE.
         When I reach for Him and can barely feel His hand, GOD IS HERE.
         When I let His promises soothe my restless mind, GOD IS HERE.
         
         
         And as the song slips quietly back into my soul, I remember...GOD IS HERE.
         
         
         
         

         Desiring God in my every day, 

         
         
         
         
         
         
         
         
         
         
         
         
         
         

Graduation rehearsal

It's the night of rehearsal for the homeschoolers high school graduation.

56 beautiful young people mill about all on the verge of being launched into a world and experiences beyond their current scope of comprehension.

The parents of these young people sit in the pews beaming with pride, breathing sighs of relief, hoping for the future.

The music is practiced, the final instructions made clear. 

It's time for the parents to line up to practice their part. 

Just before they reach the stage, they are asked to sign the diploma for their child. 

There is one blank for Instructor and one for School Administrator.

It's my turn. Wait! Which blank do I sign? 

Well, for the most part, the mothers have been signing on the Instructor blank and the fathers on the one for School Administrators, I overhear.

Oh. Oh! Okay...well, where does that leave me? It seems a tad awkward to sign in both places, so I pick up the lovely pen provided and write my name in my best handwriting over the Instructor blank. 

Then the tears come. Unbidden, unwanted...and unnoticed by others at first. 

Then a sweet woman stops to ask me a question and looks startled. "Oh, you're crying! Are you okay?"

I can't even slow the flow enough to squeak out an answer at first. Another kind woman I've only briefly met before steps back and suddenly remembers my story. She hugs me and offers to pray with me...I say over and over, "It's okay...I'll be okay..." hoping against hope that it's true. I can't cry up there on the platform!!!  

My husband should BE here...he should BE here celebrating this major achievement in not only Luanna's life, but in ours as a family. 
With his love and support and encouragement, Luanna did this!  I did this! 
And with Michael's God-given foresight, he made sure I could continue doing this after his death! 

Thirteen years of hard work culminating in a beautiful celebration of the part parents play in their children's education SHOULD include Michael! 

But he's not here. 

I imagine him visiting with the father in line just in front of us. He seems to have a wonderful family. 

I imagine him bravely making his way up the narrow steps to the platform on his crutches, a massive and proud grin on his face, ready with some goofy pun that gets Luanna saying, "Oh, Dad..." yet loving it all the same. 

I imagine he would remember twice crossing that very same stage to receive his own diploma.

I imagine standing opposite him as we hand our daughter her hard-earned reward at graduation.

I imagine his smile and pose for the camera...he definitely had a certain smile he used for pictures.

I imagine him completely being the life of her party the next day, mixing and mingling and being the host I have never been able to be. 

I imagine the host of selfies he'd take with Luanna...until she's telling him to stop already!

I imagine his many Facebook posts declaring his pride in his daughter to the whole social media world. 

I imagine we will be missing him greatly this weekend.

I imagine...no, I KNOW I can never be him. 

I am not comfortable with pictures of myself, I don't post much on Facebook, I'm not funny OR "pun-ny," and I'm far from being the life of the party. 

But I AM the mother of a gorgeous bunch of kids who have shined like stars in the darkest of night skies. 

I AM the mother of a high school graduate with a very healthy GPA and plans for college in the fall.

I AM the mother of a young lady who has overcome some serious obstacles in her pathway to reach this point. 

I AM the mother of some precious children who know they wouldn't have a chance if it weren't for the amazing blessings of our Heavenly Father - and they've seen Him work for us and in us repeatedly.

I AM a mother who has put many, many imperfectly executed hours into the education of her children because she loves them so very much and longs for them to find God's plan for their lives.

I AM a mother who may not know everything, but I DO know how my children think and feel about almost everything because we are a tightly bound family, with bonds forged through flames and flood.

I AM a woman who knows her strength, wisdom, peace, stamina, courage, and what little creativity is left comes straight from her Abba Father...

and that's how she keeps on going...

I hope Michael is allowed a glimpse of this celebration. 
I hope he knows how much we miss him. 
And I hope he's proud of how we've marched forward...
              through the fog, through the pain...

Because I KNOW he would want us to. 

MPE Graduating class of 2015 has chosen the following as their class verse:

"But those who hope in the LORD

    will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

    they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be afraid."

Isaiah 40:31, Michael's life verse

Class song:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light. 

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;

I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;

Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;

Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;

Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;

Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:

Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,

Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,

High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,

May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Words: Dallan Forgail (8th Century)

If these graduates have truly made these words their prayer, they, too, will live as Michael lived and leave behind a legacy worth following.

Distinctly and deeply missing my "other half,"