It is January 16, 2014.
I am sitting on the hospital bed left behind in my living room by my beloved...
my very, very, very best friend.
I am seeing the room from the angle at which he viewed it for the last month before he went to be with Jesus.
I lost him officially today at 1:39 PM.
My heart is broken - shattered, really, into a bazillion teeny tiny pieces.
I've lost so much.
I've lost the last date night the hospice nurse had planned for this coming weekend.
I've lost Michael's gentle touch.
I've lost Michael's spirit which was so incredibly sensitive to my every mood and emotional need.
I've lost a future with the most wonderful man ever created.
I've lost a wise and Godly father for my children.
I've lost my rock...my haven...
my person that was "bigger than me" - who cared for me as I cared for others.
Yet in the midst of that loss, I have gained so much.
I have gained a most beautiful five months of precious, sweet, and invaluable time with my dear husband.
I have gained a new knowledge of what it means to really serve another person...and feel it's an amazing honor to do so.
I have gained an intimate knowledge of how God's grace can be, will be, and IS sufficient for each and every need I face.
I have gained new friends and renewed acquaintances with old ones.
I have gained a new appreciation for my amazingly spectacular children.
I have gained skills and abilities I never thought I'd need.
I have gained experiential knowledge of the generosity with which good people shine in time of crisis.
I have gained a deeper, more dependent relationship with our most gracious and loving Heavenly Father.
I have gained a beautiful forgiveness for my faults and failures and shortcomings.
I have gained an appreciation for the comfort good music can bring to an aching soul.
I have gained a stronger sense of the value of the family support network.
I have gained the marvelous honor of watching God work out HIS purposes and plans down to the tiniest details...as I sit and watch!
I have gained a new reason to fight my way through this sin-blackened world to the reward of Heaven's gates - with my children in tow!
I have loved very very deeply...more deeply than I had ever imagined was possible...and I've been loved more earnestly than I ever felt I was worth.
I. Have. Been. So. Blessed.
...to have known Michael.
...to have been known by Michael...inside and out.
...to have been loved by Michael...for exactly who I am.
...to have been known by God....inside and out.
...to have been loved by God...for exactly who I am in Him.
What an amazing crazy ride we have experienced! And what an amazing God we serve!
These are my thoughts this most tragic of all days...exactly six months to the day away from our twentieth wedding anniversary.
And now, I will rest...rest in the peace of knowing he died as he would have wished...and in the comfort of knowing Michael has been blessed beyond measure today with the reward of meeting his Lord and Savior in that most beautiful of all havens, the "Haven of Rest!"
You deserve it, baby! You fought hard! See ya soon!!!!!