Monday, January 16, 2017

...who is...okay?

Three years.
How can that be??

How is it that I’ve arrived at this point?
I just knew three years and one day ago that there was NO POSSIBLE WAY I could live          
              without my husband Michael as a part of my world!

How is it that I am not only living but doing so with some degree of success?

How is it that in this moment, as I sit here surrounded by reminders of Michael,
that I’m…
Is it okay to be “okay?”

I say yes. And not just “yes,” but YES!!!


Because it means that God. Is. Answering. Prayer!
All the hundreds of prayers that have been prayed for my kiddos, for me, for our well-being, 
for our comfort, for our healing, for wisdom, for grace, for strength, for protection…
Yeah. THOSE prayers.

The prayers prayed by my parents and siblings.
The prayers prayed by my in-laws and extended family members.
The prayers prayed by our church family families…
because this extends far beyond our local congregation!
The prayers prayed by my dearest friends…
those on whom I dump when things get kinda crazy in my brain and heart.
The prayers prayed by neighbors and friends of friends.
The prayers prayed by folks whom we’ve never met.

These have been all been answered!
God may have allowed challenges we would rather not have to face,
but He has never once abandoned us.
God may not have chosen to remove every thorn,
but He has strewn our pathway with MANY roses for us to enjoy!

He has sent us blessing and encouragement through smiles and hugs…
            Emails and messages…
                        Phone calls and texts…
                                    Songs and sermons…
He has granted help and assistance through new acquaintances and old friends,
            Family nearby and family far away…
Next door neighbors and random strangers…

Now, listen…I get it. There are few of you who still pray for us by name every day.
That’s TOTALLY okay.
I promise.
The crisis has passed.
So I don’t expect it.
Because I know that you HAVE prayed every time things have been tough for us.
Because I know that when we DO come to mind, many of you DO still pray for us…
            and that means so very much!
Because I know that there are other desperate needs that arise daily and 
            require much focused prayer effort.
Because I know that it’s my turn now to pray for YOU!
            And I will…and DO!

Three years.
Seems more like three months in some ways.
There are so many ways that Michael still influences us.
There are so many reminders of him in the personalities of these amazing kids of ours!
There are so many ripples of his impact still being seen and felt.

Three years.
What have I learned?
OH, MY! So much!!! So very, very much!

I’ve learned more about finances and taxes and investing…
I’ve learned more about vehicle purchasing and maintenance and repair…
I’ve learned more about computer purchasing and maintenance and repair…
            (I even replaced a power supply all by myself!)
I’ve learned more about shopping wisely…
(Okay, I’m still working on that one. Lol!)
I’ve learned more about managing and prioritizing my time…
            (There are new and different demands on it now.)
I’ve learned more about grief and control and acceptable ways to release emotions…
I’ve learned more about making mistakes and which ones don’t really matter in the end…
I’ve learned more about saying no and releasing unnecessary stress…
(Okay, okay! This is another one that still needs work…)
I’ve learned more about my children and the amazing people they are and are becoming…

I’ve learned more about duty…and responsibility…and grief…and persistence…and diligence…
             and trust…and patience…and faith…and blessing…

            …and God.

My God has never once let me down.
My God has carried me, cradled me, chastened me…
            Saved me, sustained me, strengthened me,
                        Bolstered me, blessed me,
                                    Forgiven me...
                                               Loved me…
Just as He promised. 

He has given me so much!
He has opened doors and given me words to say.
He has granted me wisdom for decisions and peace when making them.
He has calmed fears and soothed away worries.
He has never let me go!

Are there still tears? Of course!
Are there still painful and tender memories? Of course!
Are there still feelings of sheer terror followed quickly by panic? Of course!
Are there still lonely nights and difficult social situations? Of course!
Are there still days controlled by brain fog and stress intolerance - 
            otherwise known as the CRUDOf course!
Are there still moments when I desperately want to pull back the curtain of Heaven and shout
that it’s not fair that we’re here and he’s there? Of course!

They just don’t come as often as they used to.
They just don’t stay as long as they used to.

The memories have shifted to the sweet, the fond, the funny, the inspiring, the precious ones…
            Their arrival brings soft tears rather than sobs, smiles that ease the heartache…

I'm sure there is a better word choice for this statement, but since none comes to mind, 
            I'll just say this...

I feel incredibly blessed to have known, loved, married, and spent half my lifetime with the 
             amazing man we all know as Michael Wright.
Now I am incredibly honored to be traveling life's pathway with his four precious children. 

I’m grateful…
So deeply grateful…

Grateful that I’m…okay.

Deeply indebted to each of you for your prayers,