Thursday, September 17, 2015

..who has broken days?

Sooooo….it’s happened again. 
Another “help!-I’m-falling-apart-and-I-can’t-stop-it” kind of day.
Wait. Make that two days.

What caused it this time? 
Who knows? 

It could have been the fact that yesterday was the 16th of the month. 
(For a refresher on why the 16th might be a trigger, you can read this post.)

It could have been the fact that I’ve been sorting through old files on the computer, and
        some brought back old and painful memories. 

It could have been the fact that I’ve been trying to figure out some special projects using       Michael’s old shirts and jeans. 
I still hate the thought of cutting into them. 
I am not sure I want anyone else doing it either.
Making these items might be something I need to do…a part of the journey

It could have been because I did something recently and felt good about it…
and I really, really wanted to share my accomplishment with Michael. 
Sharing with anyone else just isn’t the same. 

It could have been because I’m feeling like the lone male in my house is finding it difficult
         to remember that mom is still the “Boss” even though she’s a member of the “weaker
I guess I’m not scary when I’m crying while folding laundry………..

It could have been because the TASKS for which I’m responsible have piled up. 
And THEY are screaming at me VERY LOUDLY. 
And I’m at a point where I would much rather check out. 
And when I do, THEY get that much scarier. 

And there is no one here to tell me when it’s okay to quit and take a break, or to
encourage and push me to keep going when I need to.
It could have been that being around extremely talented people (as I was recently) causes me to question…
Exactly who am I? 
What am I doing to contribute to the greater good of society?
How is cleaning my kitchen floor even CLOSE to being “important” to the world at
Do I have even one bloomin’ skill of value to offer anyone? To God? 
If I do, what is it? 
Should I do it?
Would I lose my tentative hold on sanity if I did?
Who AM I kidding? 

Yeah. So THOSE thoughts and emotions turn into days where my brain goes like this:

I can’t move…the weight on my heart is intense.
I have to do this day?
I have to breathe? And feel? And interact? 

“Where is my phone? 
Why does it matter? 
The world does just fine on its own. 
It doesn’t need my two cents to keep it turning.

I honestly thought this kid KNEW this just yesterday!!”
I can’t seem to find a single ounce of creativity for helping her today….
Any “good teacher” in me left before sunrise…

I can’t stand the thought of talking to anyone outside this house. 
But I’m so lonely I could burst. 
I want to share how I feel today with someone.
But it takes entirely too much energy to formulate the words.
Everyone is exhausted with hearing it anyway…

My heart aches.
Tears flow. Often.
And it’s difficult to stop them.

“This kitchen floor is INCREDIBLY sticky!!
That laundry needs folded!
I don’t care. 

“There is NO WAY I can let this go! 
I can’t STAND it this way a moment longer!
NO ONE can see this….absolutely no one….
I HAVE to get this place cleaned up!
“But I can’t.” 
Other tasks take precedence. 
I become dazed as I think of all I SHOULD be doing in this moment…

And I check out.
It’s a coping mechanism, I know.
I have plans to return to my reality…soon.
For now, I must breathe. 

Tears come again.
Unintentionally sharp words fly out of my mouth toward a child.
The stress has overcome me. 
I now carry the guilt of Mom-failure like blocks of concrete on my chest.
“Can’t Michael PLEASE come back and do this WITH me??

“I need Jesus today.
There are SO many good people hurting so deeply today.
They need Him much more than I do.
He HAS to be weary with my constant pulling on Him……

“How many more days like this will there be? 
“Where is Michael, anyway? Sitting with the Apostle Paul? With Jesus?
What is he doing? Singing? Walking? Exploring new sights? 

“Why? Why did HE get chosen for such a glorious early dismissal from class?
I must have flunked the quiz that got him the passing grade. 
Because he’s there, and I’m here.

“And I’m pretty sure I’m still flunking Single-Parenting 101.
I’m definitely flunking Geek school. I can’t make this computer do what I need it to do!!!
Health class? Um…..let’s just say there’s been more fast food fed to my family than I’d care to admit.”

And that’s all in about the first, um, couple of hours or so of the day……….

Nope. I CAN’T do this day.

So I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have to.

Because Jesus promised He would be here with me in this day. 

He promised to “do” this day for me if I lean on Him.

I don’t always remember this when I should.
But it’s true, nonetheless.

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow’r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Why can’t I remember this pledge, this promise, this gift before smashing my way through a broken day?

Jesus still speaks to me even in the midst of brokenness.
    He whispers reminders to me to let the kids know this is not their fault.
     He gently nudges me toward solutions but doesn’t beat on me when I fail.

He grants me enough strength to care for the “musts” and eases my guilt for the rest.
    He blesses me with sweet sleep when the tears finally stop flowing for the night.
     He prevents me from making serious blunders while in this condition.

He enables me to get enough done that the day isn't a total loss.
    He fans a tiny flame of hope in my heart that tomorrow WILL be a better day.
     He shows me sweet mercy and helps carry my burden.

He brings wonderful sentiments of His love to me through sweet friends or family.
  Like this one passed along by a cousin: 

Hey Soul? Let's take off all the pressure to get it perfect today. 
You don't have to get it all together -- 
because God's already got you. 
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. 
You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. 
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. 
When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God...your Savior." 
Isa 43:1-4 MSG
Today's work isn’t about trying to redeem yourself of last week’s mistakes --
because His love's already *perfectly* redeemed you *forever.*
Grace flies in the face of logic and wraps us in arms of unexpected love.
~ Ann Voskamp

Then He blesses me with a gorgeous sunset and reminds me in doing so that He can still do amazing things with clouds….in fact, the more clouds, the more amazing the sunset can be!

I wonder what He can do with my “clouds”?

Hugs and understanding from my children is another amazing gift straight from Heaven! 
They are good to me even when they don’t understand me.

Somehow maybe the brokenness of these days can be redeemed. 
I don’t exactly see it yet. 
Maybe I never will. 
Maybe it’s not mine to know.

This Day…
I’ve been granted Grace.
And Strength.
And Forgiveness.
And Mercy.

In my brokenness, I’ve been given Jesus…..I cannot ask for more.