What is going on?
I don’t understand this, God.
I thought I had moved past being so strongly affected by circumstances around me.
I guess not.
I thought I had reached a point where I could reach out and comfort and help families who had lost loved ones or faced difficult situations. I thought maybe I’d now know what to say, how to comfort others as I have been comforted. I thought maybe I’d be better at seeing what needs are present and how to go about helping to meet those needs.
I guess not.
Because I’m over here huddled in the proverbial corner, unsure of how to help anyone around me who is hurting right now. I’m feeling their pain, yet I’m unsure of how to step in to aid them in carrying their heavy loads. I’m understanding there is a need, yet I’m unsure of how to go about meeting it.
I’m longing to reach out,
to bring encouragement,
to ease troubled minds,
to cheer sagging spirits,
to comfort grieving hearts,
What is WRONG with me??
I’m supposed to have “moved on” by now.
I’m supposed to have this all figured out by now.
I’m supposed to be in full swing ministry mode by now.
And sometimes, yeah. Sometimes, I CAN reach out.
But sometimes, I just…still…can’t.
This must be one of those times.
No, it’s not just an excuse.
It’s my reality.
It often happens that molehills for some people are mountains to me since I’m endeavoring to conquer them basically alone. It also often happens that at the same time I am over here trying to devise a strategy for smashing said mountain/molehill, several events occur in which other people important to me could benefit from my encouragement and help.
Yet I feel helpless.
I KNOW these crises situations are NOT about me and my needs.
I don’t WANT them to be about me.
This is when I find myself depending heavily on my Father’s resources once again.
This is when I find myself digging way down, searching for any self-discipline that might still be there.
This is when I find myself needing extra grace – grace extended when others don’t understand, and grace for myself when I feel I’ve failed someone once again.
None of this is new.
It has happened many times.
It’s just that…now I’m finding it harder to be okay with it happening.
I’m not sure ANY of this even makes any sense to anyone else.
It doesn’t have to.
This is MY journey, after all.
No one else has to live it.
Or answer for it.
Just…please don’t judge it.
Because I am doing my best to hear God’s voice and follow His gentle leading.
Because I am doing my best to give regularly to others – through encouragement, comfort, time - understanding, sharing, listening…
Because I am doing my best to be all God has called me to be in this moment.
And sometimes I find I can’t go one step farther on my own.
And I must wait until God steps in and fills me back up, renewing my spirit before venturing out into that world of hurting people once again.
I will make it back out there. I will.
But for this moment, I might just be hiding a tiny bit longer.