Sunday, September 30, 2012

...who fights fear?

‎"I don’t want any of the things that I fear to happen, but this I know, if they do, my God will take care of me." - Beth Moore
Sometimes fear almost overtakes me.
I really do believe in God.
I believe He loves me.
I trust Him.
I do.
Do I really?
Can I trust Him with my life?
Can I trust Him with my children's future?
Can I trust Him with my husband's life?
I'm trying.
I'm doing my best.
I don't want to doubt.
But that's what happens when the fear gets too strong.
I must fight the doubts.
I must fight the fear.
If I don't, they will control me and my family will suffer.
I must not cling too tightly to what I know.
I must not demand my own way in this.
God cannot work freely if my fists are closed, grasping.
I must trust.
I must trust Him to grant me the strength He has promised
to renew every morning! 
I must rely on the grace He offers from His unlimited store!
I must believe that He will continue to provide for us as He so graciously has to this point!
I must remember all the wonderful ways in which He has made Himself known to our family over the past two years!
I must focus on HIM...not my weaknesses...
On HIM....not my limited vision....
On HIM...not my lack of wisdom...
On HIM...not my failures...
On HIM....and HIM alone.

Then I can say along with Beth,
‎"I don’t want any of the things that I fear to happen, but this I know, if they do, my God will take care of me."
Learning to trust,

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

...who loves this time of year?

I LOVE the smells of grass recovering from the insanely torturous summer temps...I love the cool nip in the evening air and the prospect of more of these beautiful days full of crisp blue skies, leather jackets, apple cider, and colorful leaves.  I love my fall decor...the wrought iron pumpkins, the goofy scarecrows, and the luscious leaf garlands...


I dread winter.  I dread the darkness creeping closer and closer to supper time.  I despise stepping outside and fighting a bitter Kansas wind that seeks to steal my breath and frost my nose.  I fight with depression on the days where the sky is leaden, the sun cannot be found, and still there is no snow. 


I know that God has planned each season for a special reason.  Each phase has its place and is  necessary for our survival.  And without the cold of the winter days, would we really be able to appreciate God's blessings in the kiss of the summer sun and the tickle of the spring grasses?

God also knows what I need.  He knows I need times of healing and rest - winter, if you will - so that next spring and summer I will be able to be more productive.  Winter is hard.  I don't like being set aside, feeling as if I am of no use in Kingdom work.  But maybe there is some part of this winter in my life that will prove beneficial to someone else whose life I may touch....some part that is of greater value than my limited mind can comprehend at this time. 

Maybe.  Maybe not. 
Maybe this time of setting aside my ministries and hobbies and projects is strictly just for the purpose of realigning my priorities. 
Maybe it is designed as a time for me to learn to rest....and trust that God knows and that spring is on the way...


Sunday, September 9, 2012

...who feels inadequate at putting feelings into words?

Here is an attempt at expressing a few of the thoughts I've had over the past few months...years...

My heart is so heavy today.
The causes or reasons
          I choose not to explain.
We each have a mountain to climb...
         You...and me...
They may be different
          But both are mountains just the same.

It takes more strength than I have on my own
To even face that mountain...
         Let alone climb it.

         I do not want the mountain.
         I hate the mountain.


I love the God Who made that mountain
         And gave it to me.
He made it...
         Not with my abilities or strengths in mind
         But with His own
               glorious love,
                     tender care,
                            and powerful, burden-bearing
                                    everlasting arms.

You cannot climb your mountain in your own strength.
I am not even sure I can help you.
My own task daily overwhelms my senses
         And takes my breath away.


I can ask God to be to you all that He has promised He would be!
         I can cheer you on!
                  I can celebrate with you in your victories!
                           I can love you as others have loved me!
                                    I can share with you how God has blessed me!

God has blessed me to be a blessing.
He has granted me one more breath...
          one more moment with my family...
                    one more gorgeous sunset to enjoy...
                              one more day to try again...
         and the strength to take
                                    up the side of my mountain.

...who is having difficulty learning to say "no"?

I am struggling to learn this imporant skill.  But I am also needing to use the word now more than ever before.  You see, my family needs me now more than ever before.  And they need me sane.  They need me peaceful and happy.  They DON'T need a raving lunatic for a wife and mother!  And that's what I was tending to become when dealing with the stress of high expectations, unnecessary demands from outside sources, and the exhaustion that accompanied trying to out-perform my physical capabilities. 

So, I'm endeavoring to learn tactful, yet firm, use of the word "No." 

And avoid the guilt trips.

Someone told me recently that God gives us the grace and strength to accomplish what He asks us to do....but NOT for what He does NOT ask us to do.  Those tasks we heap upon ourselves in an effort to prove to the world around us that we are super human are not automatically recipients of God's blessings of help and extra strength. 

But there will still be times in which a "yes" is necessary and even appropriate even though the task may seem daunting.  First, motives must be examined.  If they are pure, in order to release myself from undue expectations or the feeling that others are expecting more from me that I can give, I believe I will take the advice of the same someone and ask myself these questions:

  • "What will have to happen to make this venture a success in my opinion?"
  • "What would equal failure?"
  • "Are my standards for myself or this situation realistic or unreasonable? Is there a middle ground?  Am I okay with ending up on the middle ground?"
  • "How can my goals or standards be modified so they are less strict and demanding and leave more of a middle ground?" (These have been slightly reworded from the originals.)
What do you think?  Am I the only one who struggles with unrealistic standards for myself? Am I the only one who is afraid to say NO because of fear of rejection or lack of acceptance?

I don't believe I am....