...who wonders about one's purpose?

Beware:  what follows are rambling thoughts that may make no sense to anyone else.  They are just pressing in on me and since my goal for this blog is to have a place to process some of my thoughts and feelings in order to make sense of them, I thought I'd just go ahead and share. 

Recently, my mind has turned over and over again to the thought that there is a reason God created me - a "why" for the timing and the place.  God has something in mind for each of us to accomplish.  For some folks, that purpose is very public, very "out there" and obvious.  For others, that purpose is to fulfill tasks that forever remain hidden in the background. 

Does that make their tasks less important?

What defines a purpose as "important" in the realm of God's kingdom? 

Am I accomplishing all that God has in mind for me or will I look back on this period of time in my life and feel I could have, should have done more?

I have a deep longing to participate in things such as beautiful music, inspirational drama, uplifting writings, or other such creative endeavors that result in bringing others closer to God in some way.  Why would God have given me these desires or talents (such as they are) if not to be used in some sort of ministry for Him?

But these days I rarely have the opportunity or energy to fulfill these desires.  It seems that it takes all I have just to care for my family as they have need. And even then I'm not sure it's enough.  I feel as though I'm failing in that most important of jobs...I'm not creative enough, funny enough, stern enough, loving enough, energetic enough, wise enough...

And is that my only purpose for being here?  Just to serve my family?  Or is my purpose to include something else that I am missing? 

I have found recently that some of the things I used to be able to do are too overwhelming for me.  It's as though my creativity levels are suffering, my energy level isn't what it used to be, and my heart aches over this. 

I WANT to be of service in the Kingdom!  I don't want to fail my God!  He has been so wonderfully gracious and patient with me!  How can I do any less than obey what He asks of me? 

But finding out exactly what God's will is has been so puzzling to me over the past three years.  I know I am to serve my husband in his time of need, but what happens when that conflicts with caring for my children who are also a God-given responsibility? What about when I have to turn down "ministry" in order to care for my family? What then?

And what good is taking out trash and mowing the lawn and buying groceries in light of Kingdom work?  How does doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms bring anyone to Christ?  I'm not good at much, but will I ever get to use what skills I do have to touch other lives again?

I know, I know...."Little is much when God is in it."   And that's exactly what I would tell anyone who shared these same thoughts with me.  But for some reason, I guess I feel my "little" is smaller than is usable for true Kingdom work. 

I don't want to fail my husband. I don't want to fail my children.  I am so far from perfect that it makes my heart ache often.  They deserve so much more.  But I'm just trying to love on them as much as I can and maybe God can make up the difference where I am lacking.  But if I can't do this job right how can I handle tacking on any other ministry? And can I even hope to get it right?

I've heard that God uses cracked pots.  Cracked pots.  That describes me beautifully!  And I pray with all my heart that God is able to use this cracked pot to work out His purposes in some way. 

So many I know have unique ministries where they get to do something they love to bring glory to God and brighten the paths of those around them in the process.  I am in awe of their talents and abilities.  God bless each of them mightily!

And I guess I'm a tiny bit envious that their Kingdom role is so easily defined.

Maybe this is a bit of a "mid-life crisis" thought line. I don't know.  Neither do I know the answers to the above questions.  But, I can say with assurance that God has been so good to our family.  He has been extremely patient and faithful to my own heart.  I must trust Him to show me the way...

My husband's life has touched so many across the nation.  His testimony is so strong and clear and pure and powerful.  He has his purpose figured out.  I guess I'm still in the "figuring out" phase.

Part 2

 

Okay.  Well, I just returned from a service where my cousin spoke.  He and his wife and two daughters are serving as English teachers and missionaries in a country that is not technically open to the Gospel.  He made a statement tonight that I've known but of which I needed to be reminded. He said he had had to learn that "People are what matter.  People.  Not much else does." 

 

That's something that really needs to sink way down deep into my soul.  I know people should be my focus.  I know that with every fiber of my being.  But I also feel so much pressure to get things done - especially when so much rests on my doing it since my husband isn't physically able to do what he used to.  And if I get behind, well, then the rest of the week is just spent playing catch-up.  Where should the line be drawn? 

 

Dear God, I need You.  I need Your wisdom.  Every day, every hour, every minute.  I need YOU to help me figure this out.  My emotions are so crazy, my body so weary, my heart so heavy some days that I feel my judgment is skewed and faulty.  Please guide me. Please hear my heart and help me know Your plan for my life as well as Your plan for my newly defined role in our family.   

 

So there was the comment my cousin made, then the offertory was played.  The song?  "Brighten the Corner Where You Are."  Maybe that is my answer.  Maybe so. 

 

Rambling again,

(But isn't that what a blog is for? Lol!)



 

 

 

 

Link

I just posted some thoughts over on the Cherish the Call blog page! 

Take a peek if you are interested!

Thanks for taking time to read my random postings along the way...May God bless you all!

...who doesn't really wanna grow up?

Am I the only one who struggles with my mouth totally running ahead of my brain?  The only one who FEELS like yelling to the world that I'd really rather NOT be a grown-up but instead throw a monster sized tantrum?  (Not that I actually DO it, mind you, but the temptation does arise on occasion...) The only one who when your teen-aged daughter has a melt-down, you join her?  Yeah, well, I’ve been guilty of all of the above.  I’ve really been working on some things, though, as hard as it has been, and I thought I’d share with you all a bit of what I’ve recently learned. 

Colossians 4:6 has me under conviction currently. 

“Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.”

Wow.  When I’m in all-about-me-I-don’t-wanna-be-a-grown-up-melt-down mode, does my speech measure up to this standard????  Ouch.  More importantly, what’s going through my heart and mind?  If we nurse them long enough, thoughts and feelings inevitably weasel their way into words…words we eventually come to regret.

I have yet to conquer the waves of crazy feelings that come crashing over me at times, but I have been begging and pleading with the Lord to help me watch my words…to help me think through the implications of what I’m saying...to help me stick with facts instead of letting feelings cloud my judgment.  All of these add up to a monumental task that is more challenging than anything else I’m facing.  And being a homeschooling mom of four and the wife of a cancer fighter, that is saying a lot.  But I mean it.  The little foxes spoil the vines, you know…and so it is in my case.  When I’m off my game and not watching, praying, reading the Word, or examining my heart, Satan attacks.  And sometimes it’s a little while before I realize what is going on.  Sometimes I don’t catch it until my emotions are fully engaged and it is difficult to sort out the facts. The battle can be incredibly difficult to fight, but God is faithful.  He WILL provide the strength if we are willing to follow His principles laid out for us in His Word.

This past week, I read a blog post written by Megan Rice on Mom Life Today.  I have so appreciated this blog!  Her article is specifically geared toward helping our kids work through their emotional melt-down moments, but I’ve snagged these four questions for use in my own journey. 

1.       What are you feeling?

2.       What caused you to feel this way?

3.       What is the truth about this situation?

4.       What is a good response to this situation?

I’ve noticed that if I pinpoint my emotions and give them a name, they shrink dramatically. 
Secondly, if I look for the cause of the emotion, I usually find that the emotions I’m feeling are way out of proportion to the actual event that caused them to flare up.  Sometimes this second step alone can take the wind out of the sails of the craziness haunting me. 

My best bet though, is number three.  What is the truth?  First, what is God’s truth about His love for me?  What is God’s truth about who I am? If I take a hard look at the persons involved, can I see through the haze of what Satan is tossing my way and remember the truth about the relationship?  If it involves my husband, it may feel as though he has done something insensitive or hurtful, but if everything else in our relationship points to his caring for me by working hard, by providing for the family, by telling me he loves me, by his faithfulness in all ways…how CAN I really believe him anything but what he says he is!  And all of my responses to anything he does that may SEEM insensitive need to be filtered through that truth. The same principle can be applied in every relationship.  I need to also look at the truth in my own actions.  Did I do my best in every aspect?  Did I please the Lord?  If so, no matter what Satan has to throw my way, it shouldn’t stick.  If I have not, maybe the beginning of clearing up the emotional haze would be to do some apologizing.  That can be difficult, but it can also cut the duration of a crazy period in half!

In determining the truth about a situation and diffusing some of the emotion from the scenario, we can then come closer to determining what our response to the situation should be – based on Scripture…not on our own misguided desires or tendencies.  1 Corinthians 13 comes quickly to mind.  Again, ouch.

Please remember that this is NOT, I repeat, NOT a process I have come anywhere NEAR perfecting. I’m totally in the learning stages with all of this.  But I figured maybe some accountability could come from sharing this with you all.  And maybe, just maybe it would be of some help to one of you. 

For my own benefit, I took the above questions and pared them down to one word each and wrote them on my bathroom mirror…along with some of my other favorite reminders…yeah, I have a large bathroom mirror!  This is my list:

1.       Feeling?

2.       Cause?

3.       Truth?

4.       Response?

Not that you couldn’t have come up with that yourselves (grin). Anyway, my experience has shown me that I need short and sweet reminders for crisis moments.  I can’t read a whole paragraph or digest a chapter in a book when I’m over the top emotional, so this is designed to quickly get my brain back on track and hope my emotions quickly follow! 

These verses have been my daily prayer for the past few weeks...may my heart be pure and my actions pleasing to the Heavenly Father...

“Have mercy upon my, O God, according to thy lovingkindness…

                Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts…

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me,

                Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me…

A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.”

~Selections from Psalm 51

 

Link

I have been asked to post regularly on a blog entitled "Cherish the Call".  Below is a link to the blog where you can read my latest post.  Make sure you read the first comment as I have included a couple of additions to the original post. 

I hope each of you who may happen to read this have seen a pleasant start to your new year! God bless you as you look for new ways to serve Him and show His love in this hurting world.

  

Cherish the Call