Beware: what follows are rambling thoughts that may make no sense to anyone else. They are just pressing in on me and since my goal for this blog is to have a place to process some of my thoughts and feelings in order to make sense of them, I thought I'd just go ahead and share.
Recently, my mind has turned over and over again to the thought that there is a reason God created me - a "why" for the timing and the place. God has something in mind for each of us to accomplish. For some folks, that purpose is very public, very "out there" and obvious. For others, that purpose is to fulfill tasks that forever remain hidden in the background.
Does that make their tasks less important?
What defines a purpose as "important" in the realm of God's kingdom?
Am I accomplishing all that God has in mind for me or will I look back on this period of time in my life and feel I could have, should have done more?
I have a deep longing to participate in things such as beautiful music, inspirational drama, uplifting writings, or other such creative endeavors that result in bringing others closer to God in some way. Why would God have given me these desires or talents (such as they are) if not to be used in some sort of ministry for Him?
But these days I rarely have the opportunity or energy to fulfill these desires. It seems that it takes all I have just to care for my family as they have need. And even then I'm not sure it's enough. I feel as though I'm failing in that most important of jobs...I'm not creative enough, funny enough, stern enough, loving enough, energetic enough, wise enough...
And is that my only purpose for being here? Just to serve my family? Or is my purpose to include something else that I am missing?
I have found recently that some of the things I used to be able to do are too overwhelming for me. It's as though my creativity levels are suffering, my energy level isn't what it used to be, and my heart aches over this.
I WANT to be of service in the Kingdom! I don't want to fail my God! He has been so wonderfully gracious and patient with me! How can I do any less than obey what He asks of me?
But finding out exactly what God's will is has been so puzzling to me over the past three years. I know I am to serve my husband in his time of need, but what happens when that conflicts with caring for my children who are also a God-given responsibility? What about when I have to turn down "ministry" in order to care for my family? What then?
And what good is taking out trash and mowing the lawn and buying groceries in light of Kingdom work? How does doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms bring anyone to Christ? I'm not good at much, but will I ever get to use what skills I do have to touch other lives again?
I know, I know...."Little is much when God is in it." And that's exactly what I would tell anyone who shared these same thoughts with me. But for some reason, I guess I feel my "little" is smaller than is usable for true Kingdom work.
I don't want to fail my husband. I don't want to fail my children. I am so far from perfect that it makes my heart ache often. They deserve so much more. But I'm just trying to love on them as much as I can and maybe God can make up the difference where I am lacking. But if I can't do this job right how can I handle tacking on any other ministry? And can I even hope to get it right?
I've heard that God uses cracked pots. Cracked pots. That describes me beautifully! And I pray with all my heart that God is able to use this cracked pot to work out His purposes in some way.
So many I know have unique ministries where they get to do something they love to bring glory to God and brighten the paths of those around them in the process. I am in awe of their talents and abilities. God bless each of them mightily!
And I guess I'm a tiny bit envious that their Kingdom role is so easily defined.
Maybe this is a bit of a "mid-life crisis" thought line. I don't know. Neither do I know the answers to the above questions. But, I can say with assurance that God has been so good to our family. He has been extremely patient and faithful to my own heart. I must trust Him to show me the way...
My husband's life has touched so many across the nation. His testimony is so strong and clear and pure and powerful. He has his purpose figured out. I guess I'm still in the "figuring out" phase.
Okay. Well, I just returned from a service where my cousin spoke. He and his wife and two daughters are serving as English teachers and missionaries in a country that is not technically open to the Gospel. He made a statement tonight that I've known but of which I needed to be reminded. He said he had had to learn that "People are what matter. People. Not much else does."
That's something that really needs to sink way down deep into my soul. I know people should be my focus. I know that with every fiber of my being. But I also feel so much pressure to get things done - especially when so much rests on my doing it since my husband isn't physically able to do what he used to. And if I get behind, well, then the rest of the week is just spent playing catch-up. Where should the line be drawn?
Dear God, I need You. I need Your wisdom. Every day, every hour, every minute. I need YOU to help me figure this out. My emotions are so crazy, my body so weary, my heart so heavy some days that I feel my judgment is skewed and faulty. Please guide me. Please hear my heart and help me know Your plan for my life as well as Your plan for my newly defined role in our family.
So there was the comment my cousin made, then the offertory was played. The song? "Brighten the Corner Where You Are." Maybe that is my answer. Maybe so.