Friday, August 5, 2016

...who just...can't?

Here I am.
It's again one of *THOSE DAYS...*

I'm breathing.
I'm up and dressed.
I even went to lunch with a friend.
But...that's about it.

The entries on my "before school starts again to-do list" are all screaming at me.
So loudly that I can't pick out just one voice.
When this happens, I find I begin shutting down and I can'

The reasons for this *DAY* are probably layered, multiple, and varied.

• I worked late last night on an answer to a heavy question asked me by a friend. I want to give a solid and correct answer because she needs that. She doesn't deserve a brush-off, a pat answer. She's seeking truth. So, with prayer, I worked toward that end.
Yesterday, I ate lunch with a friend going through some intensely discouraging life events.
Last week, I did all I could to encourage and lift the spirits of some dear friends who are also facing the fires of trial and tribulation.
Often, after times such as these, times of pouring out for the help (hopefully!) of another, I get smacked upside the head by the devil with a day of depression. I can almost depend on it. I'm not complaining about this aspect for sure! One thing that keeps me somewhat sane is reaching out to others! I can deal with a bit of depression now and again IF I can sense there is a use for me and some good being done along the way.

• I got a call from the man who is helping me with the stone for Michael's grave. He said the cement slab had been poured yesterday.
I. Don't. Want. To. Do. This.
As much as I want to see Michael's grave marked with this beautiful stone, it's way more difficult to face the finality of this that I had ever before imagined.
I AM probably the only one who feels this sentiment. I'm pretty sure my delay on this has overtaxed the patience of some.
But once this is completed, then what? I want to honor his life in tangible ways. But I'm no "start an awareness charity" or "launch a foundation" kind of gal. The music station was all I had left. Then, that got abruptly shut down. I've not yet gotten the details figured out as to how to restart it. Again, it overehelms me.

• I feel like a completely inadequate and incompetent mother.
My lunch companion today was a wonderfully kind and sweet gal but she's done way more for and with her kids and her life than I have. And well, that just calls attention to my lack of energy at times, my difficulty finding strength to push hard enough, and the feeling of "lost-ness" that is currently my struggle. Who AM I? No career, no particularly outstanding passion or talent, no dreams I'm working to fulfill. I don't even know what my next steps should be some days. Let alone where my life goals should be taking me.

• I've recently learned of a situation in which someone is believing ill intent about me and spreading that, coloring people's minds with falsehood. As always, it hurts.

• I'm pretty solidly in the introvert camp. So there are times when, well, I just shut down until I can re-boot - alone.

Maybe that's where I am today. Needing a re-boot.

Maybe I'm just not capable of doing this thing God has called me to.
My kids need wisdom. I feel fresh out.
My kids need direction. I am searching for it myself.
My kids need my energy. I haven't got any today.

I'm just empty.
I want to help others. But the well is kinda feeling dry today.
I find it challenging to figure out the difference between renewing myself and being, well, lazy.
How hard should I push? When is it okay to stop?

I. Just. Want. To. Run.

Then hide.

It's more than I can do.

Jesus, help me. 
Have mercy on me!
Be my Guide. 
If You are asking me to do something in this moment, please please make it clear to me. 
James says you promise wisdom to those who ask in faith. You know I ask for that pretty much every day, sometimes many times a day!  Please don't give up on me! Don't lose patience with this super slow learner! I'm floundering. I'm lost! I'm still finding some days so dark and lonely and on those days I become so afraid! I'm sorry! It's my weakness taking over, I know. You have been so. Incredibly. Faithful. To provide for us financially. To keep us healthy. To surround us with different ones who care and help. But there are some areas where no one can help except You. I'm in one of those places today, Jesus. I really am. It seems that passages of scripture jump to mind when I'm trying to help others, but on these days? Well, I can't seem to find my way out of the cliched wet paper bag. 

I feel I've exhausted my close friends with my grief and anxiety. 
They have their own loads to carry. I don't want to ask them to carry mine, too, especially when it is honestly pretty petty. 
I SHOULD be able to do this. As blessed and cared for as we have been, I should be in need of little. But my kids need me to step up and be a leader. In a way I've never been before. They need me to continue to push with all my might to keep the family rolling as it should. 
But I CAN'T do this alone.
I HAVE to know You are with me! 
I NEED Your grace each moment of each day! 
Thank You for every single time You've rescued me in the past. I know You have no plans to abandon me now. Please help me know what my part is in all of me discover my new role and learn my new responsibilities. I still kinda wish You would have chosen someone else for this task. But since You called me, please please help me find my way...

I am not sure why I am posting all of this here.
But here it is.
I'm not strong.
I'm not heroic.
I'm just me.

And yet still, Jesus loves me.
And that, my friends, continually amazes me!

1 comment:

  1. Oh Shawna, I hurt for you so much!!! I've cried and prayed for you so many times during the days before and since Michael passed away as I read your deep pain expressed in your blog. You do not know me personally, but I am a friend of Ken and Carol's who also listened to Michael's Holiness Music site and liked it, & miss it. I continue to pray for you very often in the struggle of widowhood and raising your children alone. Except. for. God! I share your pain in a different area of life than widowhood, but the emotions are much the same and I grieve with you and cry out for help and wisdom with the same passion and hunger that you weep for it! Please know that you are NOT alone in your darkness--there are many others struggling there also, and Jesus is there! With love and hugs and prayers, Sharon Knight