Sometimes my heart hurts in ways difficult to express.
The sting becomes central to my focus when new challenges present themselves - challenges that I have and still do fear.
This week has presented me with some of these challenges.
To some of you, what challenged me this week would seem...almost laughable.
Maybe because you've already faced that one over there and defeated it soundly.
Maybe because one of the others never frightened you in the first place.
Maybe because you didn't have to face any of those challenges alone.
But they were fear-filled for me. In ways I cannot or do not have to explain to anyone else.
I was very afraid.
I am still somewhat uncertain.
I'm not sure I know myself all of the reasons why.
But here is what I DO know.
- I survived.
- My kids are okay.
- My fear might have taken control for a time, but it didn't win.
- I think my prayer for wisdom was granted.
- I hate facing these things alone.
- Fear makes me feel more alone than I am.
- Fear makes me feel inadequate and stupid.
- Fear makes me want to hide.
- The Bible says, "Perfect love casteth out fear."
Maybe something is wrong with me.
Because fear still happens.
This week, I prayed, and still the fear encircled me...rumbling...stalking...
By God's grace, I was able to push through it and do what I needed to do.
I do believe God was with me the whole time and
paved the way for me even though I might not see it yet.
I don't like adulting alone. Not. One. Bit.
But. Life has to be...lived.
And somehow, in spite of all the fear, guilt, weakness, and loneliness that sometimes
haunts me, life...still moves forward.
Sometimes it just shoves me out of the way, trampling me into the dust.
Sometimes it lures me to its adventurous side.
Sometimes it goes on hand in hand with everyone else - leaving me behind,
unsure of how to join them.
Sometimes I can feel God close by...whispering in my ear, leading me along life's path.
Sometimes He feels so far away...but...He says He doesn't move...
Sometimes I long for something different...
Sometimes I don't want a single thing to change.
Sometimes the challenges present me with opportunities for growth and I welcome them.
Sometimes the challenges beat me down with reasons I am incapable of fulfilling this role
and I resent them.
Sometimes the challenges bully me with fear and I do all I can to avoid them.
And often - oh, so very often - I miss the one with whom I was meant to share
all of these highs and lows; the one who - in another "life" - pulled me through and
cheered me on to victory.
When will the hurt ever end?
Should it ever end?
Maybe that's a question for another day.
Maybe for this day, I will endeavor to train my thoughts
toward being grateful.
Grateful for the blessing of God's grace and His faithfulness to bring us through even the worst of moments to find joy on the other side.
And maybe the fear will finally go away.