July 12, 2019
That date will forever stand out in her heart and mind as one of the best days of her life.
It was a special day!
It was a Christ-centered day!
It was a joy-filled day!
It was a love-centered day!
It was a memory-making day!
It was a dream-fulfilling day!
It was the day she was privileged to marry her very best friend…
July 16, 1994
I got married that day.
That date will forever stand out in my heart and mind as one of the best days of my life.
It was a special day!
It was a Christ-centered day!
It was a joy-filled day!
It was a love-centered day!
It was a memory-making day!
It was a dream-fulfilling day!
It was the day I was privileged to marry my very best friend…
Today was supposed to be my 25th anniversary.
If you are reading this, you most likely know that it’s NOT my 25th anniversary because 5.5 years ago today, my husband went to spend eternity with Jesus.
So…how does one celebrate an anniversary that was to be, isn’t, but still feels like it should be?
I don’t really know. I’m traveling this pathway as a novice. I’m learning as I go.
I’m sure I don’t do it the way anyone else would,
but our relationship wasn’t anyone else’s, and
I’m not anyone else…I’m me.
And I miss Michael.
As you may notice by the date of my last post, I don’t write much here anymore.
I believe that is mostly because I am in a different stage now and not as much in need of the therapy this space has provided. Over the past year, God has granted me many more good days than emotionally hard ones, and for that, I am extremely grateful. He has walked through this whole dark valley right with me, never for one moment leaving me on my own to cope or find my way. And now, the path is brighter, the traveling easier, the memories sweeter.
But big days like this one feel like they should be acknowledged somehow.
So, I gave myself permission to do so - at least for a little while.
First of all, I would like to say a big thank you to each and every one of you who has taken the time or made an effort to let me know you are thinking about me, praying for me, care about me regarding this day. And thank you for understanding my need to maybe be alone for a portion of the day. I greatly appreciate each connection made, whether through text or phone call or other means.
Many prayed, some texted, some left FB notes, some told me you were thinking about me, and some offered your time. One friend bought me some peach Coca-colas and helped walk me through wedding recovery/dread of today. Every gesture was and is deeply meaningful and appreciated.
Lunch happened today with a dear friend at a restaurant that was special to Michael & me.
Real life happened today with more wedding stuff being hauled home and unloaded.
Memories happened today with the sorting of items from my wedding, looking at old photos, and even taking pictures of some memorabilia…
Painting happened today while sitting out at the cemetery and watching the sunset.
Writing happened today…and resulted in this post.
Tears also happened today.
Not as many as on the date of my 20th anniversary. That one came just six months after Michael’s passing.
But the tears still come sometimes when I think about it all.
Tears still come easily when thinking about what last Friday’s wedding should have included:
Michael walking our daughter down the aisle,
Michael's face beaming proudly in each photo taken,
Michael's cheerful greeting of each and every guest at every table at the reception,
Michael's enthusiastic bragging about how wonderful his kids all are,
his gracious acceptance of Austin into this family,
and his precious hugs for me as he calms my anxiety over the details and
tells me how proud he is of how the whole event turned out.
Gentle tears flowed with this morning’s first light.
Hard, ugly sobs hit as I sat in the cemetery under the watchful eye of the Full Buck Moon.
Those ragged sobs don’t come around very often anymore. I’m grateful. They aren’t pretty.
But it’s all part of this day’s roller coaster.
Thoughts flowed from gratefulness for what we shared to
a pity party for what I no longer have,
and then back to sharing my crazy with Jesus.
and then back to sharing my crazy with Jesus.
Thoughts bounced from present tasks to past events, and my emotions got all mixed up.
But one thought has been forefront today.
I don’t know HOW to rightfully acknowledge this day.
Maybe what I’ve done is okay, or maybe it’s just weird.
Maybe it’s no one’s business what I do, or maybe sharing would be helpful to someone else.
Maybe I just need a hug!
For those of you who have cared enough to read this far into this post, here are some bits of trivia for you.
At my wedding, my brother was ten years old.
At my daughter’s wedding, her brother was ten years old.
I wore a silver dress for Luanna’s wedding…
a 25th wedding anniversary is known as a silver anniversary.
The song my daughter allowed me to sing in the prelude to her wedding was one Michael and I sang to each other at our wedding. Some of the same songs were played for both weddings, even though that part wasn’t particularly planned.
The goblets my daughter and her groom chose to use were the ones my husband and I drank from on our special day.
Both weddings had the same pianist.
And coordinator. And florist. And seamstress for the bridesmaid dresses!
The flower girls for my wedding were a tremendous help with my daughter’s wedding!
Actually, several people who helped with my wedding also helped with my daughter's.
And some friends who attended my wedding were able to attend my daughter’s.
Family members galore were part of both special days, although some were missing from my daughter’s event because they are enjoying the blessings of heaven…
just as Michael is.
My family and I felt incredibly blessed and loved both then and now.
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Thanks for indulging me on my trip down memory lane. I thought it might be fun to include a few photos from that special day twenty-five long years ago.So much has changed, and yet...so much has stayed the same. |
One thing that solidly remains the same is God's faithfulness. And for that, I am, and always will be, truly grateful!
Thank you for taking this journey with me. Only God knows what is around the next bend and where the road will take us. And I know I can fully trust Him.
So, here's to the next twenty-five years and everything THEY hold!
May God go with you and keep you...and me.
Trusting in HIS faithfulness,
Such a beautiful post, Shawnster. We love you so much and are praying for all the moments in your life; the good and the not so good. Please know that with our son joining your family, you've also gained 6 others that love you and your family immensely.
ReplyDeleteLoved reading this and seeing your wedding pics, dear. My heart is with you as you sort through the emotions as well as prayers for you, sweetie. ❤
ReplyDeleteShawna,you are still showing us how the Prince of Peace is still carrying and keeping you close in His arms as you travel this journey. I loved how you compared both weddings.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, Shawna. I'm so very grateful that you are still allowing God's grace to work in your life. We can't understand why in this life. In heaven we may, but it really won't matter much there. For now, God loves you and, in a much smaller way, I do too.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely beautiful!
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