I could NOT bring the name of a friend to mind even though I tried very hard.
The two younger children scrapped even more than usual, with many of those scrappy moments ending in tears for at least one of them.
The older two seemed to feel a bit snappy with each other and the one who had homework found it very difficult to focus.
I felt anxious, taut, distracted, achy...and a bit snappy myself.
Why? This isn't the norm for us. It is odd for us to ALL be in such a funk.
I tried to work on some projects, but getting distracted from my original tasks seemed to be the rule rather than the exception.
Somehow I ended up looking through photos from the visitation and funeral...thinking and feeling all over again.
It may have been somewhat prompted by my viewing of the live stream of a funeral this morning...another family was experiencing heart-wrenching and deep loss.
Or it could have been the fact that the project of managing the pictures was easier to deal with than some of the other tasks looming over my head...tasks that demanded clear thought and decision making abilities.
Somehow, lunch was prepared and cleaned up. Somehow, we continued to stumble through the strangeness of the day.
I have learned to take these days as something to endure while looking forward to the prospect of a brighter outlook and a new day.
Sometimes a song or a verse of Scripture will be just the thing to break the tension and ease the anxiety. Sometimes it's a text or personal Facebook message that helps change my thought processes.
Today it was a sweet gal who stopped by with a bouquet of flowers and candy to go around...because she's "been there..." And she remembers how strange these days can feel.
She became a messenger from God to us today. We have met many of those along the way, and we are so very grateful for each one! With their sensitivity to God's promptings, they become a vital part of our journey along these unfamiliar paths...
Oh, and the WHY of all this? Well, I finally came to the conclusion that we have all been reacting to the two month anniversary of Michael's funeral. It didn't hit me until late in the day since today is Saturday and I mark so many different "anniversaries" that this one slipped up on me. But as I've experienced before, our subconscious awareness of events seems to work its way out in physical and emotional ways even before there is conscious thought of its cause. I was told this could happen. I believe it.
So, what is our coping strategy? Well, tonight as "the littles" were settling down to sleep, they talked about Daddy, shed tears, and wrapped themselves up in their Daddy blankets. The older ones are learning more about extending patience to each other and understanding when mom or siblings are different than normal. Me? Well, I tend to cry more, remember more, feel more, and crave rest more.
I do my best to catch each grief wave, ride it to Jesus, and then do little things to keep Michael's memory close to my heart...all the while knowing that as each wave passes, I'm moving toward healing.
God has been there for me on each of the days such as this one. He's patiently comforted our sorrows and held out His hand, ready to pick us up and put us back on track for living our new normal.
I must rest now. I'm so very, very tired and my brain is so foggy that I'm not sure this post makes much sense, but I think maybe, just maybe, that if I can somehow give you readers some windows into how I think and feel, maybe it will help you help others in this very situation.
And isn't that what being part of The Body is all about??
Resting in God's gracious acceptance and love,