Saturday, March 8, 2014

...who has been sucker-punched by a very little thing?

It's just a little thing, really. A very, very small thing in the big picture of life. 

But last night it was the cause of much grief...much pain in my heart.

"What is this little thing?" you say. "If it is truly so small, why let it bother you so?"
It is true that it is very small.  You are correct in assuming I should let it go. And I did. Eventually.

But not until after I had processed it a while. 

You see, even the smallest details are important in my journey through grief. "Through" is an important word here. It is indicative of the hard cold fact that grief is something I must go through. I cannot escape it. I cannot delegate this unpleasant task. I cannot get "over it" nor detour around it. If I try, I only end up harming myself and ultimately my children because of the internal stress and turmoil that "stuffing it" causes. 

So, even the smallest of details must be faced head-on; the grief and sorrow must be felt, then set aside. The pain sweeps over my soul, my whole being...then, as it subsides, sweet peace often takes its place - the peace of acknowledging the good times, the amazing memories, and the love shared.

It's all a part of the process. And it can happen anywhere, anytime.

And this time it was triggered by something miniscule.

I was sucker-punched with a wave of jealousy over the ampersand.  "What's that?" you say.

It is this ------>  & 

Yup.  Just that ----> &

But you see, it was more than just the symbol fact, that's a great word to describe it - "symbol." It always serves as a connector...a link between two persons or things. 

And in this case it was serving as a link between husbands and wives. It symbolized  relationships...marriages...shared dreams, date nights, private jokes, long looks...

I was typing up a long list of names - and over and over again I had to type that "&" between the first names of the married couples...

"John & Mary Brown" became a symbol of what "they" had that I have no longer.

Temptation hit hard to think those names, those people deserve their "&" less than I do...

I was hit hard with the grief of losing my "&."
I was tempted to resent my loss.

But God...

God has been so faithful to pick up the pieces every time I fall apart.

He has loved me in spite of my crazy moments of extreme pain and the silly things I may do as a result of that pain.

He loved me through my spell of difficult tears once again, then gently reminded me that He is IN this...He is IN this process with me...He is in control of the whole series of events that has led to this moment...He has brought me "through" so much and He will NOT leave me now.

God has promised to be with me.  He has said,

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed;
for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee;
yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."
~Isaiah 41:10

"Have not I commanded thee?
Be strong and of a good courage;
be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed:
for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
~Joshua 1:9

See there?? How exciting this is!!!!  God has promised to be with me EVERYWHERE I go. 

I know, I know, we've been taught this principle ever since we could think in sentences if not before, but it means something different to me now! You see, my husband was a finite human being. He could only be in one place at one time. So, if I ever had to be away from him, our only communication was via phone or text, etc. I missed his physical presence when we were apart.

I miss it even more now...because I cannot come home and find him here waiting. I will never again pick up the phone and see a text from him. I will never again hear his wonderfully kind voice over the phone.

But God...

He CAN be and WILL be here with me at ALL times!  In the happy moments as well as those filled with pain, His presence can be very real...and no one can take that away from me.

Maybe I can have an "&" next to my name after all!

                 God & Me...

Kinda shines a different light on this verse, doesn't it?  ;-)

"What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
Mark 10:9

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusted in him, and I am helped:
therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth;
and with my song I will praise him."

~Psalm 28:7

May you be blessed with a personal knowledge of the Lord's presence today and every day...

"Be not dismayed whate’er betide,
God will take care of you;
Beneath His wings of love abide,
God will take care of you.

"Through days of toil when heart doth fail,
God will take care of you;
When dangers fierce your path assail,
God will take care of you.

"All you may need He will provide,
God will take care of you;
Nothing you ask will be denied,
God will take care of you.

"No matter what may be the test,
God will take care of you;
Lean, weary one, upon His breast,
God will take care of you.

"God will take care of you,
Through every day, over all the way;
He will take care of you,
God will take care of you."
~ Civilla D. Martin

"I'm gonna make it.
He's already said that I would.
I'll keep on trusting
That He's working everything for my good.
He walks beside me and Heaven is in my view.
Oh, I'm gonna make it through."
~Cissy Padgett



  1. So beautifully written, Shawna. "God & Me".... I love that.

  2. Thank you for sharing , you are a blessing to those who get to peek into your heart because of your honesty. Shawna continue to let God shine His light thru you.