Friday, January 24, 2014

...who grieves even while praising?

It's one week later.

I've made it.  The children have made it.  

I've experienced much, but when I try to sort out specifics, things are sometimes a bit of a blur. 

Many hands shook mine.  Many arms engulfed me in hugs.

Many kind words were spoken.  Many offers for help were extended. 

Many decisions were made.  Many tasks were willingly performed by others to lighten my load.

Many friends and family members came to stand in an incredibly long let me know they care.

Many tears have been shed.  Many memories have been shared.

Many questions have been asked.  Many discussions about Heaven have been held. 

Many miles were traveled.  Many songs were sung.

Many texts and emails and Facebook messages have been exchanged.

Many cards have been received.  Many encouraging words have been shared.

So many came to the service where we celebrated the life of my one true love.

So many have been touched by his life!

So, at one week out, I find myself heading to the cemetery where that one true love now lies in the beautiful wooden coffin I chose for him.  The day before, the cemetery was populated with folks who came to pay their respects one more time and witness the touching fly-over by one of our dear pilot friends.  

It is one of those things I need to do all alone.  On this day, a bitter cold wind cuts through me like the proverbial knife as I endeavor to walk around a bit.  The clods of dirt on the fresh grave are hard and unforgiving, the leftover casket spray is pitiful-looking and frozen.  

My mind still refuses to wrap itself around the reality of this scenario.  It seems to vehemently resist the idea of the truth.  I don't live in denial now, nor have I in the past.  But I HAVE endeavored to focus as much as possible on any positive aspects of this tragic trial in order keep from falling prey to depression and dark thought patterns.

Thus, I now find that to keep from swirling into insanity, I must go back to that habit and focus on what good I can.  Like this:

It was NOT as cold the day of the funeral as it is this day.  

It is sunny and bright.

My children are strong troopers with a resiliency that amazes me.

I have no reason to fret about my financial state at the time being. 

The timing of the visitation and funeral worked well for some of the attendees.

There were so many who came out to express their support and show their love.  

I don't feel God, or by family and friends.

My husband's parents and siblings seemed pleased with the arrangements made for everything.

My husband left me well-prepared to meet this day.  

We had opportunity to grieve together and support each other in that grief.  

My house is filled with beautiful plants and flowers that serve to remind us of the care of friends and family as well as the creativity of a loving Heavenly Father Who remains in control of ALL the details of my life.  

This blog affords me the opportunity to process my thoughts and attempt to make some kind of sense of my feelings.

One of my best friends is bringing a new life into the world very, very soon giving us something to celebrate!

So far this winter, none of my children have gotten sick.

God put the right people in my life this past week to help me make the decisions demanded of me, to care for my children, to care for me.  

God.  Won't.  Leave.  Me.  Now.

In my crazy, steering-wheel pounding, gut-wrenching grief, God won't leave me to my own devices.  Even in this, God is there..providing a comfort beyond explanation, a peace that passes all understanding, and a promise for strength for the demands of each moment.  

And now as I find myself finally relaxing and giving into the need for sleep, I find I can still say that "He Giveth More Grace" - and I can rest knowing He will be there in my tomorrow...


  1. Ah, Shawna, my heart grieves with you, and prays for you as well. Amazing that you can pour out your grief and sorrow, yet, be praising for the strength and blessings of God.
    Please continue to be assured that you have much support, and when it seems you are alone, you aren't. We love you and will remember you in the following days.
    Sue & Ben

  2. God will continue to be there every day, every week, every month, every year going forward for you. We will continue to keep you all in our prayers.

  3. My heart aches for you, Shawna, & tears are running down my as I read your blog. May God continue to be whatever you need whenever you need it! You'll continue to be in my prayers & in those of my church family in Lubbock, TX.

  4. My heart is hurting for you, and I am praying for you!

  5. Shawna, your writings, like Michael's, are very inspirational and God honoring! There's no guessing why Michael loved and praised you as he did. It's evident that the two of you were one in the Spirit as well as in the flesh! My heart hurts for you, your children (and the rest of the family,) but I am confident that you'll be ok,...because your trust and hope is in the God of All Comforts, who's mercies are new every morning, and who daily loads you with benefits! He will NOT fail nor forsake you! My prayers are with you all! <3